


Changes (But Not Really)

by heartsdesire456



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Humor, M/M, Minor Violence, Trans Character, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-17
Updated: 2013-04-17
Packaged: 2017-12-08 19:15:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/765033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartsdesire456/pseuds/heartsdesire456
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When photos from when Tommy was a teenager emerge and he is outed as being transgender, the negative reactions from press and paparazzi alike are terrible. </p><p>However, sometimes a nightmare situation shows someone just how amazing the people who love them really are.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Changes (But Not Really)

**Author's Note:**

> I know, I know, summary sucks. Title to. I DONT DO WELL WITH THOSE DONT JUDGE ME! If you're reading this, clearly it was enough to tempt you so I didn't do TOO terribly.
> 
> Basically I don't know what the hell happened with this fic. *Shrug* It was going to be genfic and somehow within the first few thousand words, Neil fell in love with Tommy without my permission and suddenly it went from genfic about Tommy dealing with being outed to 'Neil still loves Tommy, nothing about his outing changes that' and boom! Protective!Neil/Tommy happened!
> 
> I also figured it would be between 10k and 15k, not over 20k....

There were a thousand times Tommy considered telling Adam. 

There were a thousand more times he considered telling some of those closest to him, like Sutan or Isaac or Dave. A few times he considered telling the friends he wasn’t on soul-sharing terms with, but mostly, in the end, it was Adam he’d come closest to telling so many times.

In the end, he found himself in the one situation he had never even _thought_ to fear. A situation so bad he wanted to curl up in a ball and _die_. Tommy could only stare at the screen in horror as his phone vibrated itself off the coffee table beside the laptop.

_Adam Lambert’s Transgendered Guitarist: Shocking Photos Reveal Guitarists Past_

Tommy whimpered and fell over against the floor, putting his hands over his eyes. “This is a dream, a terrible dream. This isn’t happening.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Tommy was still in that same position, rocking back and forth, when Mike unlocked the door with his key and let Adam in. “Hold on, damn it! Maybe he doesn’t fucking want to see you-“

“Yeah well he won’t answer his phone from anybody so his mom called ME panicking, I need to be sure he’s alright!” Tommy didn’t even look up when Adam’s voice came from the doorway. “Tommy?” Adam asked, voice soft but clearly relieved. 

Tommy just shook his head, still rocking. “It’s a dream, it’s a dream, it’s a dream-“

Adam bit his lip and squatted down. “Tommy?” He looked at the screen in front of Tommy and his breath caught as he read the headline. “Shit, you saw that, huh?” He reached out and touched Tommy’s shoulder. “Tommy?”

Tommy turned to look at him and Adam was struck dumb by the tears in Tommy’s eyes as he stopped his little mantra and shook his head. “I’m _sorry_ ,” he cried and Adam paled.

“What?! No, no baby-“ Adam pulled him into a hug, shushing him. “ _No_. Don’t you dare do that-“

“I should’ve told you- everybody- especially you,” Tommy sobbed into his shirt. “I’m sorry for lying, I’m sorry okay? I’m sorry for not trusting you, Adam, I do trust you, I really do. I’m so sorry.”

Adam’s jaw clenched and he reached out and shut the laptop, pulling back. “Don’t you dare apologize, TommyJoe,” he said firmly. “Don’t even, okay?” He wiped at the tears on Tommy’s cheeks and Tommy closed his eyes, forehead tight as he fought tears. “Swear to God- or Marilyn Manson- whoever you want me to, you never have to apologize.”

Tommy opened his eyes and it hurt Adam’s heart to see how afraid his usually fearless friend looked. “But I _lied_.”

Mike came over and slid to the floor on the other side of Tommy. “You never lied to anybody and if they think you did, fuck ‘em,” he said firmly.

Tommy sniffled, breath hitching. “But you knew. I didn’t lie to you, you don’t know what they probably all think. Everybody I love must feel so betrayed-“

“Fuck them then,” Mike said, then glared at Adam warningly. “Don’t care who it is, seriously, anybody with a problem can fuck themselves.”

Adam smiled sadly. “I’m right there with you, Mike,” he said softly. He sighed and slid against Tommy, laying his head on Tommy’s shoulder as he picked up Tommy’s phone and unlocked it. “I’m shocked, I’m confused, and I’m seriously fucking annoyed that, once again, my gaydar is so fucking broken.” He slumped, grabbing Tommy’s hand in his free hand. “But never apologize. You never lied. Never.”

Tommy closed his eyes. “But I did-“

“Did anybody ask you ‘Tommy, were you born a man’?” Adam asked pointedly, not holding anything back. Mike looked ready to jump at Adam’s attitude from the other side but Tommy bit his lip and shook his head.

“No.”

Adam smiled and nodded. “Then you never lied.”

Tommy leaned his head against Adam’s. “But how many people will see it that way? Hell, why do YOU see it that way?”

Adam glowered. “Because I’m not an asshole and you’re my best friend, fucker.” He shoved him gently. “And if anybody has a problem, do like Mike said. Fuck ‘em.”

Tommy closed his eyes, a tear slipping down his cheek. “Guh, I really fucking love you, okay?” he spat and Adam smiled, reaching up to wipe his cheek.

“You better, I feed your ass and take you around with me, you owe me love,” he teased and Tommy managed a giggle.

Adam accepted it as a win for the time being.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Adam offered to let Tommy crash at his place, since there was a little more privacy thanks to the security gate, and Tommy accepted. For several days, Tommy didn’t talk to anybody but his mom and Adam didn’t let anybody come over apart from Tommy’s mom. 

In the end, Adam pretty much babied Tommy just enough to make him feel loved and welcome in his home. Tommy caught Adam staring more than a few times, but he always looked away and blushed when Tommy caught him so he figured it wasn’t _too_ much. It wasn’t often someone found out their friend was transgender so he expected some staring, even if it did make him uncomfortable.

After a week, Tommy and Adam had to admit that they couldn’t continue to isolate and hide. Tommy had to come back out in the world and Adam had to deal with the PR nightmare that was the shock outing. They decided that it would be a good idea to talk to their friends first, just so that everybody got the story from Tommy, not from whatever press the PR group decided to spin. Adam suggested having everybody come over for talking and drinks and Tommy agreed, happy to just let Adam deal with logistics and let him deal with freaking out.

There weren’t many people they asked to come over. The only ones who could actually make it on short notice were Ashley, Isaac, Sutan, Brian, Terrance, and Adam’s mom. Tommy especially wanted her there because she was like a second mother to him and he wanted to tell her before anybody else even got there. 

When the time came, Tommy was panicking silently when Leila walked into the kitchen, arriving an hour before everybody else. Much to Tommy’s surprise, however, he heard Neil had come too. Tommy had a moment to freeze up at the sound of Adam and Neil having a whispered argument out in the hall before Leila came in. She walked over and hugged him without a word. Tommy closed his eyes and sagged into her hug, whimpering as he squeezed her tight. “I’m sorry,” he whispered and she, much to his surprise, pulled back and smacked him in the head. “Ow!” he whined.

“Don’t you dare apologize, mister,” she chastised then kissed his cheek. “It’s okay baby.”

Tommy slumped. “It’s really not.”

She shook her head. “It will be.” She squeezed his hand. “Anybody who has a problem can take it up with me, okay?” Tommy raised an eyebrow and nodded towards the hall. She rolled her eyes. “Child, if you think _Neil_ is going to have an issue, you don’t know him well.”

“Adam, fuck off! He’s my friend too!” Neil shouted and they heard a grunt a moment before Neil came in. “Mooooom, Adam’s a jerk.”

“If you mess with him I’ll rip your fucking throat out!” Adam shouted, coming in rubbing at his stomach with an angry look.

Neil flipped him off then turned to Tommy, who looked guarded. “Seriously? You seriously think I give a shit?” he asked flatly and Tommy gave him a cautious smile. “Dude, okay- I _always_ hated you. I couldn’t care less what’s in your pants. Seriously. There are no levels low enough to explain how many shits I give.”

Tommy grinned up at him slyly. “Lies, you love me,” he decided, then shuffled away from Leila to hug Neil, who made a show of making faces and patting his back as if it was such a chore. However, the wink he gave Tommy when he pulled back was enough to show he really did care.

Adam just grumbled, glaring at Neil when he passed, kissing his mom’s cheek before circling around to pour up a glass of wine, offering it to her. “Well you’re an insensitive asshole, how else would I expect you to act besides like a dick?”

Neil just heaved a sigh. “I let your ex put me in a fishnet body suit, Adam. There is nothing in the world your friends could do or be that is worse than that. You do not appreciate how patient I am with the freaks you hang out with.”

Adam glowered, fisting his hands at his side. “Are you calling him a freak-“

Tommy actually laughed. “Adam, dude, it’s _Neil_. I’d know something was up if he DIDN’T call me a freak.” He walked over and shoved him playfully. “Leave him alone. He’s being nice for the first time ever.”

Neil leaned on the counter and looked at Tommy. “So… really?” he asked and Tommy bit his lip but nodded. “Swear on my camera, I would never have figured,” he said and Tommy smiled shyly.

“Well everybody talks about how ‘pretty’ I am… just turns out there’s a reason,” he said, shrugging.

Neil nodded. “Okay. It’s weird, I won’t lie, and I’m sorry if I stare, but we’re good, right?”

Tommy nodded. “Definitely, just don’t be a goat fucker about whatever goes down when the others get here, okay?”

When the first person arrived, Tommy was almost glad it was Sutan. He knew more of Tommy’s heart and soul than anybody apart from probably Mike or Adam. Tommy wasn’t as afraid of his reaction as much as how much fussing he’d do over Tommy. And he wasn’t wrong on that count. Almost as soon as Sutan was through the door, he had wrapped Tommy into a hug, spinning him around. “Oh baby, my precious baby how are you?” He kissed Tommy’s cheek. “You’re doing alright, right? Who does Tranma have to kill?”

Tommy giggled, wiping at his face. “Ew, that was slobbery.” He shoved him off playfully. “I’m okay, it’s just people I trust tonight. I’m… I’ve dealt with the freak out.”

Sutan nodded and let him go. “Alright, but just remember that _nothing_ changes, okay?”

Tommy gave him a big, warm smile. “I definitely love you best,” he said, throwing his arms around Sutan’s middle, hugging him close. “Neil just called me a freak like usual-“

“NEIL LAMBERT DID YOU CALL MY BABY A FREAK?!” Sutan demanded, walking past Tommy towards the kitchen.

Tommy smiled and looked up to see Adam waiting by the door. “Well… three down, huh?”

Adam nodded. “Just a few more to go. Well, for now,” he added apologetically.

Tommy nodded. “I can do this,” he said and Adam gave him a comforting smile.

“Always.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Once everybody had arrived, Tommy was sitting halfway across Sutan’s lap with a beer in his hands mostly to give them something to focus on. The small talk faded and he found a lot of eyes on him. “Okay so… I’m gonna just bite the bullet here,” he said, shifting some so that Sutan’s shoulder was pressed into his back. “We’re here because I got outed.”

Isaac whistled. “I’d say, dude,” he mumbled, then looked up. “So… really?” he asked and Tommy nodded.

Ashley sighed, looking at him harder than ever. “It’s just so unreal. You’re so… nothing like those photos,” she said earnestly.

Brian nodded. “You had a seriously nice rack,” he said and Terrance elbowed him.

“Stupidity leak!” he hissed, glowering before turning to Tommy, who was looking down at his lap. “Ignore him, Boo,” he said and Tommy shrugged.

“Well… it’s true. I mean… there was a point in my life I had a decent pair of tits,” he said, looking horribly uncomfortable. 

Ashley looked him over. “When did- I mean, I’ve never seen you naked, but I’m assuming you had those taken care of?” she asked and Tommy nodded, taking a deep breath.

“I started transitioning at nineteen, early as I could afford to see a therapist about it. I had my top surgery done at twenty-one.” He looked at his beer again. “Those pictures were from around the beginning. I was on hormones already but binding hurt so when I played, I didn’t bother. I wasn’t growing facial hair enough to have a shadow or anything so I just went for ‘butch’ instead of trying to pass.”

Brian let out an awkward hum. “So… how long have you been a guy?” he asked, wincing when Terrance hit him again. “Ow, what?!”

Tommy glowered, cheeks burning. Terrance, however, hissed at Brian, “You can’t say shit like that-“

“I’ve _always_ been a man,” Tommy said firmly. “I have always been me. I’ve always been Tommy. Even when I was fucking Josie, I wasn’t Josie, I was _Tommy_.” He hesitated, biting his lip when he saw an alarmed look in Brian’s eyes. “Shit, sorry I just-“ He groaned, tugging at his hair. “You don’t mean it the way it sounds, I know, I see it in your face, you’re curious and I’m lashing out-“

“Stop, Sweetheart,” Sutan whispered, tugging his fingers out of his hair. “It’s okay.”

Tommy laughed weakly. “It’s really not okay.” He picked up his head. “None of you get how not okay this is for me.” Tommy smiled sadly. “And I love you guys, but still. None of you can understand. I’m glad you _don’t_ understand.” He gestured at Adam. “You are gay, so I know you think you understand being ‘different’ but it’s so not the same.” He looked at Sutan. “You’re a fucking drag queen, so I know you think you know ‘different’ even better than him, but it’s still not the same.” He looked at all of them. “Not that I doubt you guys but you just _can’t_ understand how hard I worked to never been seen like this.” He gestured to Neil, who was still staring. “This is the impossible-to-not-stare thing that happens when people know.” Neil looked ashamed. “Neil isn’t judging me, it’s just that he can’t stop looking because he’s trying to see who was used to be underneath and it’s what happens to every single person.” He closed his eyes, breath hitching. “Accept me, love me, treat me the same- nothing stops it from changing things. Even if you’re a girl and think you’d get it better,” he said, looking between Leila and Ashley. “It’s nothing that anybody but someone like me can really get. Like Brian asking how long I’ve been a man, it’s a natural curiosity… but it changes how people perceive me.” He sniffled. “You guys are some of my best friends and no matter what, you’re all gonna think of me as ‘Tommy-the-one-who-was-born-a-girl’ instead of ‘Tommy-the-guitarist’ or ‘Tommy-the-tiny-one’ or hell, ‘Tommy-the-shit’,” he said, sharing a teasing grin with Neil. “It’ll never be the same.” He sucked his lip between his teeth and whimpered before putting his hands over his eyes. “And that’s you guys. The people who know me. Imagine what it’ll be like for the average person?”

Isaac looked away. “Is that why you didn’t trust me enough to tell me?” he asked, earning an incredulous look. “No, Tommy, really cut the shit, I’ve been through more with you than with anybody else. You know _everything_. I get it’s hard, but this is a huge secret you’re hiding-“

“Because I want you to see Tommy, you dipshit!” Tommy groaned. “Fuck, you feel bad I lied? How do you think I feel knowing that _every second somebody out there knows I was a little girl at one point_?!” he demanded. “If you want to talk lies the first eighteen years of my life were lies. Every fucking time I signed shit ‘Josie Ratliff’ was a lie. But me and you? Me and you on tour, me and you with Ravi, me and you sitting around eating fucking tacos and playing Call of Duty?! THAT is real,” he growled as his eyes welled. “Every chick you played wingman with me for, every bus night we swapped around bunks, all that shit was real. That was me. That was _truths_ and reality. Not the lie I lived for nearly two-thirds of my life!”

“So wait,” Neil blurted out. “Does that mean you were a lesbian?” he asked, only to have Leila slap him in the back of the head. “Ow!”

“Did you not listen to a word the boy’s said?!” she demanded, then cringed. “Ignore him, I should’ve listened when Adam wanted to trade him on a puppy,” she said and Neil gaped whereas Adam smirked evilly.

Tommy snorted. “I _wasn’t_ a girl,” he stressed. “So no, I was straight. Just… a different sort of straight. Well, okay a little bi,” he admitted, earning chuckles. “And strangely comfortable wearing girl clothes as long as it looked like drag,” he said, leaning back against Sutan with a grin. “I’m just… an open man. But a _man_ ,” he stressed.

Sutan laughed. “Hell yeah you’re a man, no girl, no matter how dykey, could ever be as much of a _boy_ as you are.”

Ashley looked up. “Hey so, you mentioned top surgery…” she trailed off and wiggled her eyebrows.

Terrance glared. “Girl, you cannot just ASK him that-“

Isaac blinked and made a face. “Ew, does that mean you have-“

Tommy flushed. “Twenty-six,” he said quickly, looking away as he crossed his arms over himself. 

Terrance glowered at Isaac and Ashley. “I cannot believe you asked the man about his junk!”

Sutan shrugged. “Hey, I was gonna ask when you fuckers left,” he admitted and Tommy glared at him with bright red cheeks. “What?! You’ve watched me tuck my junk, I’m allowed to ask what’s in your pants, bitch! This doesn’t mean I’m gonna suddenly become less insensitive or less invasive,” he said and Tommy snorted.

“Of course not, obviously the most filterless friend is the one who doesn’t treat me like glass,” he grumbled. He pointed at him. “No, you can’t look,” he warned before Sutan could ask.

Sutan smirked. “Damn, you know me too well.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Most everybody finally wandered off by midnight and Tommy fell across the couch in heap. “Jesus that was horrifying.”

Neil looked over from his spot sitting with Sutan while Leila and Adam spoke in the hall. “Did you really think we’d judge you badly?” he asked and Tommy looked up, shrugging. “No seriously, we’re your friends.”

“So?” Tommy asked gruffly. “Isaac’s not wrong. I lied. I hid a gigantic part of who I am from everybody.”

Neil rolled his eyes. “Fine, you want proof we all keep secrets? I actually used to wish I was as cool as my brother,” he said with a bashful little shrug.

Sutan gaped. “Whoa, you’re admitting Adam’s cool?” he asked, then giggled at his dramatics. “Trust me, baby, we all know you really do love your brother.”

Neil chuckled then shrugged, ruffling his hair nervously. “When he came home, when I was in college, I started going to do things with Adam and his friends and he was so popular and everybody thought he was so cool and I was the one with a few boring friends back at school while his friends had so much fun all the time. I honestly was jealous that he was cool and I wasn’t.” He pointed at Tommy. “And trust me, for me to admit that is WAY worse than something as inconsequential as being born in the wrong body,” he joked.

Tommy grinned. “Hell yeah that’s way more embarrassing, admitting you think your brother is cool.” He sighed. “I don’t know, it’s just… I never thought anybody would know, okay?” He looked at them. “Even you two, as much as you’re trying to make it seem okay, you know you’re looking for it.”

“For what, Tommy?” Sutan asked gently.

“Lingering ‘girl’,” Tommy said. He sat up and gestured. “You’re both being great, seriously, but even you two can’t stop looking for tells. You’ll find some if you look hard enough but I had a really great transition.” He smiled and held out his hands. “Even my hands are manly,” he pointed out. “But you’re gonna look and find things. You see me up close all the time. You can’t help yourself.” He looked down. “It always happens.”

Neil and Sutan shared embarrassed looks before Sutan sighed. “I’m sorry, honey.”

Tommy shrugged. “It happens. It just sucks.”

Adam came back and flopped down beside Tommy, immediately tugging Tommy into a hug, tucking him under his arm. “Mom left. Said to tell you she loves you,” he said and Tommy smiled. “So, what’re you three up to?” he asked them.

Tommy made a face. “Talking about how I trust them and love them but still hate that they know cause they can’t stop staring,” he said, nodding at Sutan, who looked down quickly.

Adam smiled sadly. “I’m so sorry, honey.” He kissed Tommy’s temple. “Besides, no need to stare, I’ve stared plenty and he’s still just TommyJoe. And this baby’s all boy,” he said with a grin. “He broke my belt trying to lasso the doorknob cause he got bored. He’s definitely a dude.”

Sutan faced him. “Okay, can we talk about things we all wanna know but nobody wants to ask cause it’s rude but I really don’t care cause you love me and we don’t have walls?” he asked.

Tommy groaned, hiding his face in Adam’s shirt. “You want to ask me about sex, don’t you?” he asked, looking mortified by the idea.

“Damn straight I do!” Sutan leaned a hand on Neil’s shoulder. “Neil and I can both attest to seeing you disappear with more women than Adam did boys when we went around the world. Exactly how does that work without you worrying about people getting suspicious?” he asked.

Neil groaned. “Leave me out of this one, he asked, not me,” he said, giving Tommy and innocent face.

Tommy snorted. “Plastic surgery is something you are not a stranger to, dude. You’ve got friends with more silicone in them than a fake tit store,” he said. “You know how good it is.”

“The boob removal I can buy,” Sutan said. “Although the scar issue explains why you’re reluctant to go topless,” he said, clearly pondering it. “However, I know enough to know that a penis is more complicated than a vagina,” he said pointedly. “Tons of trans guys don’t have their vagina taken care of but you said you had both surgeries done.”

Tommy nodded. “I did. I have a penis,” he said, shrugging. “And as shocking as it may sound, nobody has really noticed anything off before. I’m pretty sure if someone examined my dick in a well lit room they’d notice something, but sex generally doesn’t include a clinical examination of each other’s junk,” he pointed out.

Sutan frowned. “But how does that work? There are things involved in penises that you can’t just move around like you do when turning a penis into a vagina,” he asked, clearly absolutely fascinated.

Tommy sighed. “Alright, fuck it, here we go.” He held up a finger. “First step is full removal of uterus and ovaries-“ Neil and Adam both paled as they realized he was going into detail. Sutan just looked intrigued. “Then they graft a urethral extension and close up the vagina. The labia is used for a scrotum. The penis itself is grafted from skin somewhere on the body- for me it was my back which is where the biggest scar is since my mastectomy didn’t leave much in scars- and made to look mostly like a real dick.”

Sutan jumped in. “What about sex? Can you get an erection? That isn’t something you can just move shit around for, is it?”

Tommy made a face. “Inflatable tubes placed the same place erectile tissue would be in a natural penis.”

Neil looked confused. “So you’re always hard?” he asked, then made a face. “Also, _ow_ my dick hurts just thinking about cutting and sewing shit down there,” he said and Adam nodded, looking green.

Tommy snickered. “Oh God it hurt. The most painful shit ever. The pain killers barely took the edge off,” he stressed. “But no, instead of fake balls, there’s a little reservoir of liquid stored in the scrotum. Looks like normal testicles, doesn’t quite feel normal but is close enough, and basically you squeeze one place to get an erection then press another to deflate.”

Tommy grinned at the horrified looks on their faces. Sutan just shuddered. “I really wish I hadn’t asked now,” he said seriously. “That’s… kind of terrifying.”

Tommy laughed, shrugging. “It’s embarrassing, I’ve definitely never explained THAT before, but it’s actually pretty much the best thing ever because the alternative was to still have a vagina or to have a only cosmetic surgery so that basically there’s an enlarged clit that appears to be a micropenis to the untrained eye.”

Adam looked up and spoke with so much reluctant curiosity in his voice it was noticeable. “But what about sex-sex? Like… apart from the ‘can get hard’ thing, care you actually, you now, get off?” he asked.

Tommy blushed, and rubbed at his face awkwardly. “Um, sometimes?” he said, then shrugged at the looks they gave him. “It’s weird, again, cause like, it isn’t anywhere like normal sensation. It’s like… near the base where the only erogenous zones are. So yeah, sex isn’t always about orgasms, pretty much,” he said, the shrugged. “But hey, I’m fully happy with my body. Well, gender wise,” he said, then grinned. “I wish I was taller and I’d look good without a little beer belly, but it’s really not as weird as you guys clearly are thinking.” He was really enjoying the myriad expressions going across the three faces.

Adam shook his head. “I’ve never wanted to have sex with you less than I do right now,” he said and Tommy gave him a playful glare. 

“Hey, that’s mean,” he said, then snickered. “It’s cool, dude, I really do not want to have sex with you either,” he said with a giggle. “You’re a bro, I’m seriously not into that.”

Sutan shrugged. “Hey, I’d still screw you,” he said with a wink.

Tommy laughed and blew him a kiss. “Time and place, baby.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Once Tommy was able to see everyone he wanted to tell in person, he was amazed at how many amazing people he surrounded himself with in his life. The worst reactions were people worried about him having lied to them, the way Isaac had. In the end, he felt confident enough in himself that, after he allowed Adam’s PR people to release a simple statement about respecting Tommy’s privacy, he went home.

Adam made him promise to talk to his mother when she called so he wouldn’t have to come around and beg Mike to let him in again. Tommy was just glad to get back to life as normal as it ever would be again. 

What he didn’t count on, however, was the sudden influx of photographers. They were everywhere. When he went out, there were always people spotting him and following him sooner or later. Online there were suddenly photos of him doing mundane things like going to the grocery store or going through the drive-thru with Mike or even just walking across a parking lot. It was annoying at first, but it got scary when, one night, while out after playing at a club with a few friend who had a band and wanted him to fill in, that two guys with cameras followed him to his car, not even being subtle about it. 

He turned back when reached the car and glared at the men. Knowing he had absolutely spotted them, they both started shouting his name. “Tommy! Tommy over here-“

“Look over here, Tommy!”

Tommy flipped them off with his free hand before digging around for his keys. He dropped his keys and laid down his guitar case to kneel and feel for them only to gasp when he looked up and saw feet coming towards him. “What the hell are you doing?” he snapped, looking up at the man, only to get a camera flash right in his eyes. “Ow, what the hell-“

“Smile for me-“

“I’m not fucking smiling for shit, fuck off!” Tommy snapped, standing up, stumbling over his guitar when the spots danced in his eyes. “Fuck!” he cried landing on his hands and knees. 

“You drunk, Tommy?” the other guy called, snapping from a few feet behind the one who was practically looming over Tommy.

Tommy struggled to his feet and flipped them both off before turning to fumble with the lock on his door. “Fuck, fuck-“

“You sure swear a lot for a girl,” one called and Tommy glowered over his shoulder only to have another flash go off in his eyes. “Pretty girls should smile-“

“WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Tommy shouted, spinning around. “Get the hell away from me!” he cried, turning back to finally unlock the door. He opened it then picked up his guitar to toss in the back only to have a camera shoved in his face once more. “GET AWAY FROM ME!” he screamed as loud as he could. He turned back and shoved the guitar into the backseat and scrambled into the driver’s seat, locking the door fearfully, unable to even start the car his hands were shaking so badly. He screamed, however, when there was a loud knock on the window and he looked up to see a camera flash in his eyes once more.

“We just wanted a smile, you fucking tranny!” the man snarled, looking down into the car with such a frightening look on his face that Tommy was honestly afraid. He was hyperventilating by the time he got the key into the ignition and cranked up the car. By the time Tommy was out of the lot and onto the street, the spots from the flashes had cleared to dull blurs, but the tears in his eyes messed his vision up worse than the spots ever did.

“Fuck,” he breathed, barely able to catch his breath. His hands were burning from landing on the asphalt, his pulse was pounding in his ears from rage at their words, and there were tears slipping down his cheeks from the fear he’d felt when those guys wouldn’t leave him alone. Between those things, Tommy was too distracted to notice the car in front of him slam on brakes before it was too late. “SHIT!” Tommy cried, stamping on the brakes with both feet but it wasn’t enough to stop him from plowing into the car in front of him.

Tommy didn’t even have time to scream before the impact came and everything went black.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
When Tommy woke up someone was touching his face. He cringed away only to whine at the pain in his skull. “Wha?”

“Mr. Ratliff?” a voice asked. “Mr. Ratliff, just lay still, okay? You were in a car accident.”

Tommy blinked and a woman’s face swam into his view. “What?” he asked, then frowned as it came rushing back. “Oh crap.”

“You’re going to be just fine, sir,” the woman – who Tommy determined was a paramedic – said. “We’re gonna take you to the hospital to be sure since you were unconscious when we arrived, but you should be fine.”

He nodded only to whine when the movement hurt. “I’m okay,” he mumbled, wincing as his body was jolted by the gurney being loaded into the ambulance. He could only hope nobody had been hurt in the other car.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Tommy was being released just as his mother arrived. “TOMMY!” She rushed over to where he was signing the paperwork and hugged him. “Oh God, your face!” She looked at his black and blue forehead, already bruising from hitting the steering wheel. “What happened?”

Tommy winced. “The airbag didn’t go off and I wasn’t wearing my seatbelt,” he admitted sheepishly. “I got a ticket for that when I told the police,” he said with a roll of his eyes. “Got knocked out and clearly that’s not punishment enough.” He shook his head. “I’m okay though. Very, very minor concussion only.”

Dia just gave him a stern look. “And why weren’t you wearing a seatbelt?” she asked and he paled, looking away. “Tommy?”

Tommy sighed, shoving the clipboard across the desk to the woman waiting on it. He dropped the pen and turned to start past his mother, catching her wrist to pull her with him. “Not in here,” he said softly. When they got outside to her car, he slid in and buckled up then waited on her before he spoke. “Like I told the police, I was harassed by photographers,” he said and she glowered. “I was leaving a club where I was filling in for a friend’s band and these two guys got in my face in the parking lot. One of them made me trip over my guitar, he was freaking me out so bad. Then when I finally got in the car, he knocked on my window and said something angry and I was scared and upset so I was kinda crying a little when I pulled out of the parking lot.” He flinched. “I forgot my seatbelt I was so desperate to get away and then I had teary eyes so I didn’t see the car slam on brakes in front of me before it was too late.”

Dia sighed and shook her head. “You better call your friends and tell them you’re okay before it gets out,” she said and Tommy groaned.

“Ah shit, they’re going to freak out either way,” he said, but quickly composed a text message reassuring people that he was alright. He didn’t get as many replies since it was nearly four in the morning, but he did get a ‘I wondered where you were’ from Mike that made him chuckle. “Well at least he would’ve known something was up if I didn’t get home had those photographers killed me and hid my body or something,” he said and Dia _growled_.

“Those bastards should leave my kid alone,” she grumbled and Tommy laughed.

“Why mom! You cursed!” he said with a fake shocked expression. He sighed heavily. “How bad was the car?” he asked reluctantly

Dia made a face. “Not totaled but it’ll need some work.” She nodded at the backseat. “Your guitar is alright,” she said and Tommy twisted in his seat to see it.

“Thank fuck, I was worried,” he said, reaching back to pet the case. “It’s okay, baby, daddy’s got you,” he purred and Dia laughed. “Hey shut up, she’s my baby!” He grinned. “You were worried about your baby, I was worried about mine!”

Dia reached out and caught his hand. “I really was worried about my baby,” she said softly, looking ahead with a tense jaw and pained eyes. “I worry all the time.”

Tommy sighed. “I know,” he muttered, squeezing her hand.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Tommy was still asleep when a knock came at his door. He whined and looked up just in time to see Mike duck his head through the door. “TJ, you awake?”

Tommy grumbled. “Why are you alive?” he whined and Mike snickered. “What?” he asked flatly.

Mike opened the door some. “You got visitors.” He stepped back and Tommy smiled sleepily when he saw Adam and Neil standing behind him. “You up for them to come in?”

Tommy nodded the wiggled into a sitting position, yawning, only to whimper when it hurt his face. “I’m okay, guys,” he said, then giggled when Adam made a noise and jumped on the bed to hug him. “Dude, really-“

“You can’t see your own face then,” Neil said from by the door, his eyes wide as saucers.

Adam pulled back and kissed Tommy’s cheek. “God, your pretty face!” He pouted and stroked Tommy’s hair back gently. “Your whole forehead is black and blue.”

Tommy nodded with a wince. “Instead of a busted head, my forehead is made of pain and blood beneath the skin,” he said and Adam glared. “What, it’s true!”

“I could’ve done without that description.” He sat against the pillow beside Tommy and pulled him into a hug, lips pressed to his hair. “God, what happened?”

Tommy winced and looked up at Neil, who still looked pretty spooked. “I’m okay dude, come over and sit,” he said, patting the bed on his other side.

“Oh joy! There is no place I would rather be than in bed with my brother and his favorite pet,” he drawled flatly. 

Tommy giggled. “Alright, but your loss on the cuddles!” He looked up at Adam, head on his shoulder. “Bad shit,” he said softly. “When I was leaving the bar some photographers got up in my face, really harassing me, taking photos with flash right in my face, all this shit. I tripped over my guitar and did this,” he said, showing Adam his scraped palms. “Then when I got in the car and locked the door, he knocked on my window and called me a ‘tranny’ and shit and I just started the car and got out as fast as I could.” He made a guilty face. “However, I forgot my seatbelt, I was crying so I couldn’t see well, and the car in front of me slammed on brakes too fast for my teary eyes to react to. And my car’s airbag didn’t go off,” he added. 

Neil’s head popped up. “They did _what_?!” Tommy nodded. “You mean some vultures harassed you and scared you so bad you had a _car accident_?! Oh my God, that’s ridiculous!”

Adam shrugged. “I’ve had them harass me like that-“

“Yeah but you’re actually famous,” Neil argued. “Tommy’s not you, he’s never had photographer problems – besides while with you somewhere – before it came out he’s transgender! It’s fucking disgusting is what it is,” he spat, shuffling slightly as if he wanted to lash out but couldn’t.

Tommy sighed. “It’s disgusting alright. I’ve never been called a ‘tranny’ to my face before,” he whispered.

“Fuck them,” Neil said fiercely, startling them both. He shrugged. “They’re bastards. Fuck them all.”

Tommy giggled. “Right on, man,” he proclaimed, throwing a fist in the air.

Adam chuckled. “Alright, breakfast?” he asked Tommy, who made puppy eyes. “No, I wasn’t volunteering-“

“Please?” Tommy asked pouting. “I’m laid up, the least you can do is go make me some toast and shit.”

Adam groaned but rolled out of bed. “I hate your damn puppy eyes,” he grumbled, then stood up. “Neil, you’re on Tommy duty, I’m making him fucking toast. You go be his bitch for a little while,” he said, pointing at the empty spot on the bed.

Tommy batted his eyelashes. “Be my pillow?” he trilled, fighting back a giggle.

Neil just sighed and shook his head as Adam walked out, leaving him at Tommy’s mercy. “The things I do for you, Ratliff,” he grumbled, kicking off his shoes to climb in the bed. “Here you delicate brat,” he said, lifting his arm in offer. Tommy quickly slid up against Neil, nearly purring as he relaxed against him, head on his shoulder, face pressed to his shirt. Neil gave him an amused glance. “Comfy?”

Tommy slung a leg over Neil’s and curled his arms around Neil’s waist. “Mmmmm warrrrrm.” He looked up. “Thanks for being my teddy bear, you’re warmer than Adam.”

Neil gave him a mock triumphant glance. “I’M A BETTER TEDDY BEAR YES!” he cheered dramatically, earning giggles from the man snuggled into his side. “I have really made it now, wow, teddy bear status-“

“Shut up,” Tommy whined, wiggling against him. “You’re better quiet,” he said and Neil gave an offended grunt before shutting up, choosing instead to randomly poke Tommy as they sat, grinning when Tommy made squeaky noises when Neil poked him in various places.

“You sure you okay?” Neil asked softly, worry in his eyes. “I mean, I totally hate you a lot, but still…” He trailed off and Tommy grinned up at him.

“I’m okay, and besides, I totally hate you more,” he said, then yawned. “Although I like how warm you are so maybe I don’t hate you too bad. I love your warmth, I hate you.”

Neil snorted. “Good thing I hate you entirely then, that way I win.”

Tommy giggled softly, eyes slipping shut. “Congratulations, you get a prize! I’m sleeping on you.”

“Oh yeah?” Neil asked, poking his tummy under the covers, earning a grunt.

“Yep,” Tommy mumbled sleepily, going lax in Neil’s arms, head resting over Neil’s heart. “Thumpin’ makes me sleepy.”

Neil grinned but stayed quiet, letting Tommy drift back off to sleep for a little while longer.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Neil was startled awake by snickering from behind him. He was confused when he lifted his head to see Adam leaning over him and laughing, an evil look on his face. “What?” he grumbled, only to frown when he tried to move and couldn’t. He looked down and found himself with an armful of sleeping Tommy. “Huh.” 

Tommy was curled against Neil’s chest and Neil’s arms were around his waist and shoulders, holding him so close Tommy probably had trouble breathing. Tommy’s head was laid on the middle of Neil’s chest and Neil could tell his face had been pressed into Tommy’s hair. Adam grinned when Neil tried to pull his arms away and Tommy whined in his sleep, groping for Neil’s arms without waking. “Dude, you’re a sleep-attack-snuggler!” Adam teased in a whisper. “I mean, I know Tommy’s an octopus in his sleep, but you’re totally snuggling back!”

Neil glowered. “He’s warm, fuck off.” He attempted to slip away but Tommy refused to stop clinging. “Dude, it’s like he’s got extra limbs here,” he said, trying to pull Tommy’s hands out of where they were fisted in his shirt since he tried to move him. “Shit, is there an off switch somewhere?!” he grumbled. “Tommy, get off me.”

“Mnnnggggg dun wanna.” Tommy flung a hand out and out his fingers over Neil’s mouth. “Shhhh, sleep Adam,” he slurred and Neil made a face.

“Great, he thinks I’m you.” He looked at Adam. “If he starts getting handsy I’m going to blame you,” he said.

Adam knelt down and leaned across to kiss Tommy’s hair, careful of his forehead. “Tommy sweetie, you need to wake up. I made you food,” he cooed and Tommy’s eyes instantly opened. “Well now, that woke you up.”

Tommy lifted his head, then frowned up at Neil. “You’re not Adam,” he said and Adam laughed.

“Well done, you have eyes,” he said, then leaned over and pecked Tommy’s cheek. “Come on, food,” he said, standing up.

Neil just let out a sigh as Tommy climbed off of him and followed Adam out, eagerly trailing behind him in search of food.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Neil and Leila were having lunch with Adam at his house when the doorbell rang. Adam looked confused but left the food cooking and excused himself to go answer the door, only for them to hear an angry voice moments later.

“This is ridiculous, Adam!” They were both startled when Tommy burst in and threw a folder onto the counter, only to jump and blush when he saw them there. “Oh shit, sorry!” he said in a rush.

Adam glowered at him when he followed him in. “Thanks for being a dick around my mom, asshole,” he said and Tommy’s glare returned. “It’s for your own good-“

“I AM A GROWN MAN!” Tommy shouted, clearly angrier than ever. “I don’t need a fucking bodyguard! I’m not even the celebrity in this room, I’m just a fucking guitarist! It’ll die down, people will get tired of those pictures and get over me-“

“And until they do,” Adam interrupted, “You got in a car accident because photographers scared the shit out of you! The label just wants to keep you from getting into trouble-“

Tommy threw up his hands. “NO, they’re treating me like a fucking girl now that they know I was born one and YOU WERE THE ONE TO SUGGEST THE IDEA! That’s what’s happening, Adam. I’m not a man to them anymore, I’m a girl with a sex change, and that fucking pisses me off. I’m not going to sit here and be treated like a fucking woman because of this shit. I DO. NOT. NEED. A. BODYGUARD!” he shouted, right in Adam’s face.

Adam grabbed his shoulders and held him still. “Tommy, fucking listen.” He looked him right in the eyes, his face set. “You nearly _died_. You may not be a girl, I’m not ever going to say you should be treated like one, but even I’ve been ambushed before and I know how scary it is and I’m _six feet tall and big_ ,” he stressed. “Nobody’s calling you a girl, but like it or not, you’re a small guy. If I get freaked out and I’m taller than most of them, what does it do to you?”

Tommy lifted his chin defiantly. “Calling me a pussy?” he challenged and Adam sighed.

“No, I’m saying you’re just a guy and people are assholes and you need to be safe,” Adam urged. “You know how terrible people can be, you faced those bastards that night-“

“And I’ll know to deal with it now!” Tommy cried, turning with a growl. “Damn it, Adam, this is so stupid. I don’t need this, it’s stupid and pointless. We’re not touring, we’re not even going international, it’s a fucking _press tour_! This is such a waste-“

“Well I’d like to not see you get harassed again!” Adam snapped. 

Tommy gave him a hurt look. “Well it’s great to know you don’t fucking trust me to look after myself-“

Adam groaned. “Why should I? You are like a sixteen year old, why shouldn’t I worry about you needing someone to look after you-“

“I DON’T NEED A FUCKING BABYSITTER!” Tommy shouted, turning on his heel to storm out.

Adam threw his hands up, only to stop when he saw the folder still on the counter. “Shit, he needs this,” he started.

Neil shook his head at the sad expression on Adam’s face and walked over, grabbing the folder. “I’ll do your dirty work, clearly fixing your shit’s what I’m good at,” he joked, then broke into a job, hoping to catch Tommy before he reached his car. He didn’t need to in the end because he nearly stumbled over Tommy, who was sitting on the steps with his arms around his knees, pretty much pouting.

“Go away,” Tommy mumbled and Neil sat down beside him, one step below so he didn’t make Tommy feel as small. “Oh,” Tommy said as he saw him. “Figured it was Adam. “

Neil shook his head. “He was busy being a dick,” he said, then offered Tommy the folder. “What’s this?” he asked.

Tommy took it and made a face. “The résumés of potential bodyguards,” he said, dramatically sticking his tongue out. “This is so fucking stupid, Neil.”

Neil smiled sadly. “I know, dude, but maybe you should cut Adam some slack-“

“Don’t take his side just cause he’s your brother,” Tommy grumbled and Neil shook his head.

“No, listen. The dude loves you to death, okay?” Neil offered him a grin. “You’re his favorite pet pretty boy, he doesn’t want to see you get hurt and have your face messed up,” he joked.

Tommy snickered. “Too late,” he said, gesturing to his bangs covering his gross looking green and yellow forehead.

Neil shook his head. “Seriously though, it was shitty to go and suggest it without asking you, but I don’t blame him. You’re tough as nails, but you have a temper and you’re small. If you get in a fight, you’ll either get hurt or go to jail,” he stressed. “Do you really want to be responsible for fucking up Adam’s press tour?”

Tommy gave him a guilty look. “No, I guess not.” He sighed, shoulders heaving, before slumping over his knees. “But I don’t want to be treated like a girl, Neil-“

“Personally, I think it’s more like a little boy,” Neil said honestly. “Seriously, if you were a girl you would be included in shit, they’re going around like grown-ups with a little boy.” He snickered. “Although you really are about sixteen, you freak.”

Tommy opened the folder and flipped at the pages absently. “They’re all bald,” he said and Neil leaned over, snickering at the photos - which looked like mug shots –, and nudged Tommy. 

“Are any of them cute at least?” he asked the paused. “Wait, you did say you liked men, right? That wasn’t in my imagination?”

Tommy nodded. “In the past, rarely,” he mumbled, then made a face. “I wish I could just bring somebody I know if nothing else. I hate having some stranger parade me around like a fucking child.” He looked up at Neil suddenly. “Hey! You do it!” 

Neil snorted and rolled his eyes. “Yeah, like they’ll hire me. Besides, I’ve been on Tommy Wrangling Duty before, you’re a handful.”

“No, Neil, really!” Tommy grabbed his shoulder with wide, hopeful eyes. “You’re awesome and you know me so you’d know what to look out for! And at least then I could crack jokes and shit without having Terminator glaring at me.” He gave Neil a pleading look, bottom lip poked out just a bit and big brown eyes wider and more winsome than ever. “Please, dude? C’mon, really, if I gotta have a babysitter, at least make it one I can call a fuck-face occasionally without getting yelled at.”

Neil whined, trying his best to stay resolute. “Tommy, they won’t hire me. Adam paid me on his own dime last time, he won’t do it again-“

“This won’t be like last time, though!” Tommy pressed. “Shorter time, less travel, and they’ll hire you,” he reassured. “They want me to agree to this and all I gotta do is tell them I’ll agree if I can give them the name of my own guy! Please, please, please?” Tommy grabbed his arm and held it, his small hands curling around Neil’s forearm warmly. “Please, Neil? Seriously, I’ll owe you _big_ and all that good shit.”

Neil tried to say no, he really did, but the hopeful look that grew in Tommy’s eyes the longer Neil hesitated was too much in the end. “Fuuuuuuuuuck I hate you so bad,” he whined and Tommy threw his arms up with a cheer.

“YES!” He flung his arms around Neil, squeezing him tight. “Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!” He all but knocked Neil over in his attempt to hug him even tighter. “You’re the best, seriously, I like you way more than your brother, you’re the cool Lambert!” he proclaimed loudly.

Neil laughed and patted Tommy’s back. “Okay, okay, I need to breathe, dude. It’s okay.”

Tommy sat back and did a little wiggle dance from his spot sitting on the step. “You’re so great, I fucking love you the best, really.” He slapped Neil’s shoulder then hopped up. “Come on, let’s go rub it in that I hate you the least!” He grabbed Neil’s hand and tugged hard. “Come _on_!”

Neil laughed, letting himself be pulled up. “Okay, okay, fuck, don’t hurt yourself, dude!” As Tommy tugged him back into the house, Tommy honestly was excited that he’d gotten around the ‘bodyguard’ orders.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
When Tommy got the approval for his ‘own’ bodyguard, he stopped refusing to speak to Adam after the whole situation and instead began to mock him when he whined about having to bring _Neil_ with them. “Well, you demanded I have a bodyguard!” he chirruped brightly, bouncing around while Adam packed.

Adam glowered. “You had to go and bat those eyelashes and get your way,” he grumbled. “I swear, I really don’t know why Neil likes you. You’re the most annoying shit ever.”

Tommy smirked. “Neil’s my dude. We can laugh at you when you aren’t looking.” He rolled his eyes. “Besides, he doesn’t _like_ me, he just hates me marginally less than he does everybody else.”

“TOMMY!” Adam looked up and Tommy smirked evilly at the shout from the hall.

“What did you do?” Adam demanded and Tommy just giggled as he heard feet stomping towards them.

Neil came in wearing an all-black suit – complete with tie and cufflinks – and _dress shoes_. “You made them get me a suit?!” he demanded of Tommy.

Tommy just whistled. “Lookin’ sharp, buddy!” He walked over and snickered at how uncomfortable Neil looked wearing a tie. “What? A real bodyguard would’ve had to wear a suit too-“

“I’m just a babysitter, not the Secret Service!” he argued. “Can I please wear normal clothes?” he asked, whining as he slouched in front of Tommy. “Please?”

Tommy smirked evilly. “Only if you swap the suit for tight jeans, a leather jacket, and aviators! AND biker boots!”

Neil grumbled. “I hate you so bad. I really, really hate you.” He sighed. “Black tee-shirt, jeans, and boots?” he offered as compromise.

Tommy hummed. “Only if it’s a tight tee-shirt,” he conceded. “You’ve got nice arms, show them off for me,” he said, winking.

Neil glowered and sighed. “You’re such a shit.” He turned and walked out without another word. “I HATE YOU!”

Tommy giggled. “Hate you, too!” he called after him.

Adam just smiled like Christmas had come early. “I lied, this was a GREAT idea!”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
“Where the hell are they?” Adam grumbled to Leila, both of them waiting at the airport for Neil to show up with Tommy. Since it was his job to be his bodyguard, he’d been responsible for getting Tommy to the airport on time. Leila wanted to see her boys off, so she was waiting with Adam for Neil.

They were almost running late by the time Neil and Tommy finally arrived. Adam burst out laughing when he saw them. Tommy was walking with his phone out and his hood up while Neil followed, wearing the promised tight jeans, tee-shirt, and sunglasses, carrying about six bags and dragging one large one behind him. Leila shot Tommy a chastising look when he spotted them and rushed over. “Leila!” He cried, hugging her.

She hugged him then pushed back and shook her head. “TommyJoe, that’s not nice,” she said, nodding at Neil, buckling under his burden.

Adam smirked. “Damn, how well are they paying you?” he asked Neil, who flipped him off. 

Tommy just gave an innocent smile. “He offered.”

Leila gave Neil a look that was hard to decipher but he held his chin up. “He said he didn’t feel well and I’m not a jerk.”

Tommy nodded. “My poor tummy,” he said, patting his abdomen absently. “It always feels sore after getting pellets put in.”

Adam raised an eyebrow. “What?”

Tommy flapped a hand. “Well obviously I can’t travel with needles and vials and not draw attention to myself. I change to pellets whenever we’re going on tour. Or for this, ‘press tour’,” he said, complete with air quotes. Adam still looked confused so Tommy sighed. “Think grains of rice stuck under my skin. They last about four months and the doctor puts them under my skin on my belly. Otherwise I’d have to inject every two weeks.”

Neil nodded. “Yeah, he showed me, his skin’s all red and shit so I felt bad for him.”

Tommy shrugged. “Just because I got it done yesterday afternoon and the pokes haven’t healed up yet.” He looked up at Neil. “So, hey, luggage cart an then Starbucks?” he asked with hopeful eyes.

Neil sighed but nodded. “Whatever you want, dude.” Adam watched them both say goodbye to Leila and walk off before he turned to hug her, only to see a smirk on her face as she watched Neil and Tommy walking off.

“What’s that face for?” he asked and Leila shot him an incredulous look. “What?”

She laughed and shook her head. “Honey, if you haven’t worked it out before now, you never will work it out on your own.” She kissed his cheek. “Bye honey, have fun.”

Adam huffed. “You’re annoying,” he said with a smile. “Bye, mom,” he said, then turned to go catch up with the other two as they went to find the rest of the guys.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Neil flopped into the seat next to Tommy and glared down at his belly, where he had a belly roll in the tight shirt he was being forced to wear. “I hate you,” he said to Tommy, who reached over and poked his tummy. “Hey, stoooop,” Neil whined, swatting at his hand.

Tommy just sighed dramatically. “This is great.” He wiggled over and laid his head on Neil’s shoulder. “I like you squishy, you’re a good pillow,” he said, curling his arms around Neil’s arm.

Neil huffed. “I’m your bodyguard, not your bitch,” he pointed out, trying to wiggle free.

Tommy turned and rested his chin on Neil’s arm, looking at him with big, wide, long-lashed brown eyes. “Come on, I’m tired and you’re warm,” he said, pouting. “Adam lets me snuggle with him.”

Neil’s glare softened but he still grunted, “I’m not Adam.”

“No, you’re the cool one! I get to call you names and you don’t get mad.” Tommy laid his cheek on Neil’s arm, still looking up at him. “Please?” he asked, rubbing his face on Neil’s shoulder. “You’re warm and your shirt is soft and I’m tired.” He yawned to demonstrate this, tightening his hold on Neil’s forearm.

Neil sighed, letting his head drop backwards against the seat. “Fine, whatever, just sleep.”

Tommy beamed up at him. “Thank you!” He snuggled closer and got comfortable with his head on Neil’s arm. “You still hate me?” he mumbled and Neil chuckled.

“Totally, dude. Forever and always,” he promised and Tommy giggled tiredly, nodding.

“Good, cause I really hate you too.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Neil didn’t think he’d have an actual test of his job commitment for a while, but when they got to the hotel, there were a small cluster of photographers at the doors. The hotel security were already trying to get rid of them, but a few got past them and started shouting Adam’s name. Neil hung back by the car with Tommy while he pulled his hood up and put on sunglasses, then took Tommy’s backpack and put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it lightly. Tommy smiled up at him and bumped into his side before they started away from the car, leaving someone else to get the bags. 

“Tommy! Tommy, over here!” The first one to call his name had Tommy’s shoulders tense beneath Neil’s hand. Neil placed his hand between Tommy’s shoulder blades and did his best to look as tall as possible, glaring at the photographers as he stayed as close to Tommy as possible, getting between him and the cameras when they got nearer the hotel entrance. Once they got inside, Tommy relaxed and Neil thumped him in the back.

“Test run down, huh?” he asked and Tommy gave him a weak smile.

“Yep, let’s just hope they don’t get more pushy in the future,” he said, leaning against Neil slightly when they stopped walking. “Freaks me out, dude. I’m used to them yelling Adam’s name, not mine.” He shuddered. “Especially after those creeps that night-“

Neil cut him off. “Dude, nobody will get that close to you again, okay?” he winked. “As bad as you smell, they’ll stay far away-“

“Oh fuck off,” Tommy laughed, shoving him playfully. When they got into the elevator, Tommy glanced up at Neil, giving him a funny look. “Hey, uh, I know it’s your job and shit now, but thanks.”

Neil raised an eyebrow. “For doing my job and not letting people harass you?” he asked.

Tommy shrugged. “Well… yeah? Your job or not, I can still be grateful for a friend looking out for me, can’t I?” he asked, rolling his eyes dramatically. “You’d think nobody ever said thank you before.”

Neil just thumped him in the arm. “Don’t be a jerk, you were almost nice for a second there.”

Tommy snorted. “Yeah, yeah, take the gratitude and get over it. Just don’t expect me to start liking you.”

Neil snickered. “Wouldn’t dream of it,” he said before hefting the backpack again as they neared their floor. “So, what’s your room number?”

Tommy looked at his key. “Six-forty-three, you?” he asked.

Neil frowned, stopping in the hallway suddenly. “Wait, mine says six-forty-three, too”

Tommy shot him a look. “Wait, like six-four-three-two, this hotel doesn’t have that many floors-“

“No, you dumbshit,” Neil interrupted. “Like I’ve got the same room as you do.”

Tommy stared at Neil, then smirked. “ROOMIES!” he cheered and Neil’s sour expression grew darker. “Hey, makes sense, I guess. Hard to be my bodyguard if I’m not there so you can guard my body-“

“Wow, you had to go there,” Neil said, making a face. “Who the hell would I be protecting you from in the hotel?” he asked, sighing as they started down the hall once more.

Tommy smirked. “Hey, you never know, some maid might wanna have her way with me, as fine as I am!”

Neil laughed. “Yeah, like you’d _want_ me to stop some maid from having her way with you.”

Tommy shrugged. “Fair point, but still, if somebody tried to jump me on the way to the vending machine or something, it would be good to have you here.” He batted his eyelashes at him. “I’m too pretty to get attacked again.”

Neil sighed dramatically and nodded. “I know, you’re just too damn pretty for your own good, huh?” he asked solemnly. “However do you handle your handsome face, Tommy?”

Tommy shoved him and giggled. “Shut up, fucker, you know you like my face.”

Neil smiled and nodded. “It’s an alright face,” he allowed, pulling the key from its sleeve when they got to the door. “For the record, if you’re annoying, I’m swapping with Adam,” he threatened and Tommy saluted him.

“Understood, Mr. Bodyguard-“

Neil laughed and shoved him into the room, startling a squawk out of Tommy. “Shut up, Tommy, just shut up-“

“MAKE ME!” Tommy cried brightly and Neil just sighed and shook his head as Tommy skipped over and flung himself onto a bed where he proceeded to make a ‘snow angel’ on the bed while proclaiming the bed his. Neil could only wonder if he actually WAS a babysitter.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Tommy didn’t sleep. Neil had heard the stories but Tommy _didn’t_ sleep. Neil rolled over at about three in the morning and glared at Tommy, who was giggling at his phone from the other bed. He tried going back to sleep and was almost there when Tommy laughed again. Neil flopped over and stared at tommy until Tommy glanced up, noticing the glimmer of Neil’s eyes in the darkness. “Oh, sorry, did I wake you up?”

Neil groaned and flopped across his bed dramatically. “I cannot sleep with you giggling like a little girl,” he grunted.

Tommy rolled his eyes. “Your mom’s a little girl,” he said and Neil cringed, hearing a slightly off tone in Tommy’s voice. He had never noticed it before but he could recognize that calling the transgendered friend a little girl might not be okay. “No really, sorry. I just… can’t sleep.” 

Neil sighed. “Just keep it down, okay? 

Tommy mimed zipping his lips and Neil rolled his eyes, fighting a small smile, before flopping over and tugging a pillow over his head in hopes of getting a little bit of sleep. Neil could still hear a few clicks as Tommy’s nails hit the screen of his phone, but eventually he was able to fall asleep. 

At least until a strange whimpering startled him awake. He sat up in a slight panic, unsure of what was happening in his waking, half-groggy state, only to hear a rustle from Tommy’s bed. He looked over and Tommy was kicking absently in his sleep, whimpering. Neil wasn’t sure if he should wake him up or leave him alone, but when he heard a tiny, groggy, panicked sounding, “Please, don’t!” he couldn’t sit there any longer. He didn’t want to wake Tommy up, it wasn’t his business, but he slid out of bed and went to the bathroom, hoping if he took a little time, Tommy might relax before he got back out.

When Neil came back, Tommy was curled up in a little ball and whimpering almost like a puppy. It was heartbreaking but he didn’t think Tommy would appreciate knowing Neil saw him in that state so instead of waking him up, he went back to bed. He covered his ears with the pillow to try and give Tommy some privacy, but in reality, he could hear Tommy’s pained sounds and a random word every once in a while for what felt like hours before he fell asleep.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Neil waited as long as he could before waking Tommy, who was sleeping peacefully at long last while Neil got dressed. He tapped Tommy’s arm and smiled when he gave a sleepy snuffle then just rolled onto his tummy. “Tommy, you gotta get up.”

“Mnngg why?” Tommy croaked out, yawning widely as he flopped around, peeking up at Neil through one eye. “Timesit?”

“Seven-thirty,” Neil said, slapping his arm. “I let you sleep a little longer, now you have to get up.” Tommy sighed and rolled over, sliding his legs out of the bed without sitting up. He sat with his knees hanging off the bed and a look on his face like he was weighing how much he _really_ wanted to sit up. Neil just snorted. “Come on, if you’re late Adam will be mad,” he said and Tommy made a face then sat up with a great huff, slumping over against his knees.

“I feel like shit,” Tommy grumbled, rubbing at his hair. “I’m so _tired_.”

Neil gave him a sad smile. “That’s what you get for stalking twitter all night,” he said, though they both knew good and well what really happened. Neil just watched the way Tommy moved around the room, more than surprised to see how well Tommy was able to fake like he wasn’t exhausted once he was dressed and ready to go. He had put on enough eyeliner to hide the bags under his eyes with the startling contrast of black eyeliner. He looked a little more awake with his hair clean and his face shaved, but Neil could still see it since he knew what to look for.

“Alright, let’s boogie,” Tommy said as he shoved his wallet in his pocket. Neil was more than a little alarmed at how well Tommy could fake it.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
When Tommy’s nightmares happened the same the next night, Neil waited until they were loading up to go to the airport so they could get to the next city and hopped into Adam’s car, leaving Ashley to ride with Tommy. Adam raised an eyebrow at him as he buckled up. “Uh, hi?” he asked and Neil turned to face Adam. Adam frowned at his expression. “What’s wrong?”

Neil bit his lip, trying to think of how to phrase his question. “Is… Does Tommy always have nightmares?” he asked.

Adam raised an eyebrow. “I never saw him have one, but it isn’t like we’ve really slept in the same room a lot. Why?”

Neil shook his head, eyes wide. “Dude, I never saw it before I knew what to look for, but the guy’s running on fumes. He slept decently about three hours the last two nights combined,” he stressed. “He tosses around whimpering like a fucking puppy and _crying_ out in his sleep,” he said. “It freaks me the hell out.”

Adam’s nose scrunched. “Shit, really?” He sighed. “Damn, maybe that’s why he doesn’t sleep much? Doesn’t want bad dreams?”

Neil just shrugged. “It’s bad. I don’t know what to do, so I don’t wake him up, but he can’t travel like this.”

Adam gave him a sad smile. “I hate to say it but I doubt there’s much you can do, Neil.” He shook his head. “If he has nightmares, that probably isn’t gonna stop. It probably happens all the time.” He made a face. “Really though, I’ve never heard anybody talk about him having nightmares. Maybe it’s a freak double occurrence?”

Neil sighed, leaning back in his seat. “I hope so. You have no fucking idea how much I hope so,” he said, looking out the window, quickly becoming lost in thought.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
On the plane, Adam raised an eyebrow when he glanced over to the middle row and saw Neil had let Tommy curl his hands around Neil’s arm and tucked his face into Neil’s shoulder to sleep. He saw the same strange expression on Neil’s face as he had seen a few times recently, always aimed at Tommy when Tommy wasn’t looking back.

So he began to watch. 

Neil, it seemed, watched Tommy like he was going to fall over at any moment when they weren’t out in public. Adam assumed it was nightmares still, but he wasn’t lying when he said Tommy had never had bad dreams when he’d been around him asleep. When they were out in public, Neil seemed to take his ‘bodyguard’ title pretty seriously. So far they hadn’t really needed any real bodyguard-actions, but if Tommy so much as flinched, Neil was right there, glaring at whoever bothered him either by saying something or taking photos of him. Adam wasn’t sure how to read the way Neil looked at Tommy when Tommy wasn’t looking. He figured it was worry about the bad dreams, but sometimes Neil got that same expression when Tommy laughed. 

Not to mention, it didn’t look like worry anyhow.

Adam mentioned it to their mother on the phone once but she’d just laughed and told him he was a blind idiot, which just made him even less interested in bringing it up again. He really didn’t get anything from the insult, he was just as confused as ever on top of being annoyed at his ‘blindness’, as his mother called it. Adam didn’t get his answer until they had been traveling for a week and a half.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Neil couldn’t stop thinking about the night before. Tommy had actually scared the hell out of Neil. He had been dreaming, like it seemed he did often, about something bad. This time, however, instead of just whining or kicking, Tommy started _crying_ in his sleep. Neil had been startled awake by the sounds of heartbreaking sobs from Tommy’s bed. He had honestly wanted nothing more than to wake him up, but he didn’t want Tommy to be embarrassed. Neil couldn’t stand it. Watching Tommy suffer was not what he signed up for. Anybody but Tommy and Neil could have been his normal, asshole self. But not Tommy. 

Neil knew that his mother had figured it out long ago, but Neil’s best-kept secret was the way he felt about Tommy. It was inexplicable even to himself. There was nothing about Tommy that Neil should be attracted to. He was annoying, he was loud, he was obnoxious, he took every opportunity to laugh at Neil, and he behaved like a teenaged boy most of the time. Sure, he was beautiful, but Neil had only ever liked women. And that was another problem.

Neil had long accepted that he was most likely in love with another man. He never planned to act on it or tell anyone, especially seeing as Tommy was straight and Neil was supposed to be, but he had made peace with the reality of the way Tommy made him feel. He was okay with it, really. He had an openly gay brother, he was friends with people of every possibly persuasion, and he could accept that it was entirely okay for one person of the ‘wrong’ gender to work their way into someone’s heart. It sucked _a lot_ to know he could never be with Tommy when he couldn’t stop thinking about him, but it was just life and Neil accepted that. It wasn’t the first time the object of his affections was unattainable and probably wouldn’t be the last. 

Finding out Tommy was transgender had really fucked with him. Neil knew that, logically, it changed nothing about Tommy. Tommy was still Tommy. He was a _man_ just as much as he had been before they found out he wasn’t born one. Neil had loved him before he knew. But there was a part of himself, a niggling voice in the back of his mind, that kept pointing out that maybe he loved Tommy because he saw the ‘woman’ Tommy could have been in there. Neil _hated_ that voice. He hated the idea that he could’ve subconsciously selected to be attracted to someone based on something that they had struggled to hide. Tommy didn’t want them to see him like a woman-turned-man. Tommy wanted them to see _Tommy_. 

Neil wanted to see Tommy. Neil didn’t want to think of Tommy as anything different from the person Neil had known all along. He did _not_ want to know that he even subconsciously recognized something Tommy didn’t want them to. It wasn’t fair to Tommy. It wasn’t fair to him, either, if he was honest. He had accepted that part of him liked men at least enough to find one man attractive and he didn’t _want_ to have that introspection and self-discovery challenged. Tommy was Tommy. Neil loved _Tommy_. He loved the man that Tommy was, nothing else should matter.

Neil was ripped violently from his wandering thoughts as he waited by the door for Tommy, Adam, and the others who had been involved in an acoustic session on a radio show to get downstairs so they could go to the hotel by the sound of a woman screaming. Neil jumped up from the bench where he sat and followed the security guards as they ran towards the elevators. Neil got there just in time to see the larger security guard take off down a hall after a man who was running away. Neil looked back and saw the cluster around the elevator included people from his group. He scanned them quickly and spotted Adam’s head pop up over everyone else’s, their eyes meeting.

“Neil!” Adam shouted and Neil didn’t wait before rushing over and pushing a few people who appeared to be employees in the building aside, only to stop and pale when he saw Ashley and Tommy stand up and spotted blood on both their hands.

“What happened?” Neil demanded, pushing past the security guard to get to them about the same time as Adam.

“Oh my GOD!” Adam cried, hand flying up to cover his mouth.

Tommy looked up and he looked between Adam and Neil before slumping into Ashley, who caught him and held him just long enough for Neil to grab him. “Shit, shit, what happened?” Neil asked, pulling Tommy to him, an arm around his middle to hold him up. He looked and saw Tommy was holding his left forearm. “Tommy, what-“

“That rat bastard _stabbed him_!” Ashley spat, looking up with tears on her face. “We- we got of the elevator and some- somebody walked up and- and he had a knife and Tommy jumped back and held his arms up and-“ She shook her head. “He could’ve been killed!”

Neil looked down at Tommy’s face, using his free hand to push Tommy’s hair back so he could see him. “Hey, you with me?”

Tommy was pale. Scary pale. He didn’t seem to really understand what was happening. He looked completely in shock. “I- what?” he asked, blinking. “Neil?” he asked and Neil cursed.

“Fuck, hold him for a second,” he said, tugging off his jacket once his hands were free. He wrapped it around Tommy and pulled him around to face him. “Look at me, Tommy, okay?” Tommy obeyed, still totally blank. “Hey dude.”

Tommy looked down at his hand over his bleeding arm, then back up. “I’m bleeding,” he said flatly.

Neil nodded. “You’re going to be okay, alright?” Tommy looked confused. “You’ll be okay, they’ll have somebody coming to help you by now, so let’s just go sit down, okay?” He nodded to a bench closer to the doors. “Come with me, we’ll sit down.” 

Tommy just nodded absently and Neil held him around the middle, walking Tommy to the bench. Adam stayed with the others, trying to explain to the security people and calm his friends down, but Neil could see Adam watching them the whole time he walked across the lobby to the bench. When he got them there, Tommy sat with a flop and looked at his arm. “That dude stabbed me,” Tommy mumbled, looking up at Neil. “He- he called me a tranny and stabbed me.”

Neil’s anger he’d been holding down _ignited_ and he had to bite his lip to keep from getting everything he wanted to say out. “You’ll be okay, just keep your hand on it and press tight, okay?” He knelt down in front of Tommy. “Look at me, you are going to be okay.”

Tommy seemed to be coming out of it slowly. A frown appeared on his face- the first expression Neil had seen so far- and he looked up. “Whoa, some bastard just fucking stabbed me for being transgender!”

Neil shook his head angrily. “Some bastard just stabbed you because he’s scum of the earth and better be glad I didn’t know what he did when I watched that guard run him down.” He pushed Tommy’s hair back, looking at his eyes. “You with me now?”

Tommy blinked and nodded. “Shit, fuck this hurts- oh GOD what if he fucked up the tendons in my arm!” He looked up, panic rising visibly in his features. “Neil, I need my left hand to work perfectly, oh God what if he got a tendon-“

“You didn’t damage a tendon,” Neil reassured. “I’m sure you didn’t. You’re going to be fine, okay? You hear me?” He squeezed his knee. “You’ll be fine, Tommy.”

Tommy looked up from his arm with tears in his eyes. “You can’t know that, Neil! What- what if it fucked up my hand-“

“It’s not bad, just your forearm, you’ll be okay-“

“BUT WHAT IF I’M NOT!” Tommy cried out, eyes wide with tears. “Oh God, fuck, what if-“

“Sir?” They both looked up as two paramedics rushed over. Neil immediately jumped up and got out of the way. “Let me see,” she woman said, gently pulling Tommy’s arm away from his lap. He slid his fingers off of his arm and Neil felt slightly green when a gush of blood streamed from the gash across his inner forearm.

“Oh fuck!”

The woman quickly grabbed a gauze pad and pressed it over the cut. “Definitely need to get you to a hospital and get stitches,” she said, tying up off the bandage. “You should be fine, it isn’t deep,” she reassured.

Tommy nodded. “Okay, good.”

Neil stood up when the woman helped Tommy up and she looked up. “Sorry but your friend has to come with us-“

“He’s my bodyguard,” Tommy said quickly, looking at Neil. “He- he has to stay with me.”

She eyed Neil and then turned to her colleague, who just shrugged. “Alright,” she sighed. “You can help us get past the circus at the doors,” she said. Neil looked towards the doors and groaned when he saw camera flashes already.

“You guys owe me so big for this,” Neil said to Tommy, who just smiled weakly. “Alright, come here.” He pulled his jacket tighter around Tommy and let the paramedics walk ahead of them. “Hang on to me and _do not_ let go, okay?” he asked Tommy, arm around his shoulders.

Tommy nodded, uninjured hand holding onto Neil’s wrist. When they got outside, automatically people began yelling and pushing and crowding in on them. Neil did his best to shield Tommy with his own body, but it was impossible to cover him from all sides. More than a few people shouted ugly remarks at them, which Neil tried to block out because losing it and punching someone while trying to get Tommy to an ambulance was so far from a good idea. Tommy was his priority and Tommy was bleeding. Everybody else could wait.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Tommy was asleep when Neil slipped out on to their balcony to call his mom back. She had called him twice already. He leaned against the rail and waited for her to answer. “Neil?” she asked and he smiled, looking down at the street below.

“Hi, mom,” he said softly. “You called?”

Leila chuckled. “Of course I did. I heard what happened. Wanted to make sure you were alright.”

Neil made a face. “I’m fine, mom. Tommy is the one who got hurt, not me-“

“And I know how you feel about Tommy so clearly you wouldn’t be okay,” she argued. “Adam said somebody _attacked_ him?”

Neil groaned. “Yeah, some bastard with a knife. Thankfully he just cut his arm, he didn’t hurt him too bad. He got lucky.” He looked down. “I should’ve been there.”

Leila sighed. “Honey, don’t you blame yourself-“

“I’m his bodyguard, I wasn’t with him and he got attacked!” Neil grumbled. “What kind of bodyguard does that make me? What kind of _friend_ does it make me?!”

“You were waiting at the door for him. You couldn’t know somebody was already inside-“

“It doesn’t matter,” Neil argued. “If I had fucked up and he got hurt worse, it would be on me-“

“Nobody would blame you, Neil-“

“I would blame me!” he cried, putting his face in his hand as he leaned on the rail. “Mom, it’s _Tommy_.”

She took a few moments before continuing. “Honey, is it really smart for you to be his bodyguard? I know he asked you, but you take it too personally. Neil, you’re going to get hurt.”

He ground his face into his eye, shaking his head. “I couldn’t trust anyone else to keep him safe, Mom. I’d never forgive anybody else doing this job if he got hurt like he did today. I’d never be able to handle it. This is the second time he’s got hurt. I hate people so bad-“ He stopped when he heard a thump from inside the hotel room. “Shit, I think Tommy’s awake, I better go.”

“Alright, but be careful, okay?” Leila asked.

Neil chuckled. “Alright, bye mom.”

“Bye, honey.”

When Neil got inside, he saw Tommy was still in bed, but the lamp as knocked off the table. Tommy was kicking, Neil realized. He sighed and walked over, sitting on the edge of his bed to watch Tommy. He flopped over onto his back and jerked, sitting up and looking around frantically. He looked at the lamp on the floor then at Neil. “Fuck,” he spat, falling back onto the pillow. “Oh God. Are you watching me?” he asked, sounding uneasy.

Neil swallowed but nodded sadly. “You don’t usually wake up.” Tommy sat up and looked at Neil. “You have nightmares most nights,” he said and Tommy flinched. “I expected them tonight, though. After today-“

“Can we not?” Tommy asked weakly. He rubbed at his face. Neil could see in the dim light that Tommy’s cheeks were shiny with tears. “I just… today was-“ He shuddered. “It sucked.”

“You’re telling me,” Neil murmured. He looked up. “I’m sorry I wasn’t with you.”

Tommy looked up and shook his head. “You had no reason to think I’d need you, dude. I should’ve been safe-“

“I still let you get hurt,” Neil said, voice tight as he looked down at the floor between the beds. “My job is to protect you, Tommy. I signed on for this, I would’ve done it without getting paid anyhow. I cannot stand that someone hurt you and I wasn’t even there to try and help-“

“Neil, it isn’t your fault I got hurt,” Tommy said fiercely. “Nobody could have known about that guy.”

Neil shook his head. “You’re my responsibility and I dropped the ball, today.” He looked up and smiled sadly. “I’m supposed to protect you.”

Tommy shrugged. “You do, Neil. You have looked after me way longer than this contract as my bodyguard.”

Neil looked away, jaw clenching. “I just didn’t protect you when it mattered,” he muttered weakly. Neil started when he felt a hand slide into his. He looked up and Tommy stood from his bed and stepped close, pulling Neil into a hug. 

“You are not to blame,” Tommy said, looking down at Neil. “Some asshole with a knife hurt me, you had no reason to be there.”

Neil looked up and swallowed hard. “But you still got hurt,” he said, hands coming up to rest on Tommy’s waist. 

Tommy shrugged, smiling down. “Not your fault, dude. You gotta let that go.” He tugged at his curls playfully. “Okay, so this is gonna sound weird,” Tommy started, pulling back to sit on the edge of his bed, across from Neil. “Will you sleep over here with me?” he asked, then made a face. “I’m not trying to come onto you, it’s just that I sleep better when I’m not alone and I’m going to have serious bad dreams tonight,” Tommy mumbled. He looked at the lamp on the floor. “Looks like I already have been.”

Neil knew it was wrong to get into Tommy’s bed - even innocently - without Tommy knowing how he felt, but it wasn’t like he was going to tell Tommy and he couldn’t refuse without looking like an asshole. He stalled by righting the lamp, but Tommy’s hopeful face was still just as hopeful when he turned back. “Alright, sure.”

“Yay!” Tommy hopped onto the bed and wiggled over away from the middle, leaving a gap for Neil. “Maybe I’ll actually be rested tomorrow.”

Neil winced as he crawled into bed. “Hopefully,” he said. He wiggled around and faced Tommy. ‘You sure you okay? You need anything for your arm?”

Tommy shook his head, smiling tiredly. “I’m okay.” He wiggled closer and curled his arm hand around Neil’s forearm. “Night.”

Neil took a steadying breath and nodded. “Goodnight.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Neil woke up sometime in the night and wasn’t at all surprised to find Tommy curled up against his chest. It wasn’t at all shocking with Tommy’s cuddly ways. Neil couldn’t even find it in himself to be guilty about tugging Tommy closer. He curled one arm around Tommy’s waist, resting his hand on Tommy’s lower back. He caught Tommy’s hand with his other, tucking his chin into Tommy’s warm, soft hair as he held him close. 

It felt so good. It also hurt like hell to know that he may never get to hold Tommy again this way. Neil closed his eyes and kissed Tommy’s head, enjoying holding him while he could. Tommy was warm and heavy, solid against Neil. He was sleeping better than Neil had seen since they left home and he couldn’t be happier about that. 

Neil savored the feeling of having Tommy in his arms because he knew he might never experience it again.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Neil woke up to the sound of Tommy’s phone ringing. Tommy himself whined and pressed his face harder into Neil’s chest. “Make it stop,” he grumbled hoarsely and Neil flapped out a hand, sighing when he found it. 

When Neil got the phone up to his ear he grunted out an unhappy, “Hello?”

“… You’re not Tommy,” Adam said and Neil groaned.

“No shit, Sherlock.”

Tommy peeked one eye open. “What’d he do?” he asked and Neil snickered sleepily, rubbing Tommy’s back as he wiggled down to face him better.

“He said ‘you’re not Tommy’ cause he’s stupid-“

“I can hear you,” Adam droned flatly. “Why did you answer Tommy’s phone? He’s okay, right?”

Tommy closed his eyes and snuggled into Neil, laying his head against Neil’s throat. “Tell Adam it’s too early.”

Neil yawned. “He’s sleepy. Go away,” Neil groaned.

“We’ve got a band meeting soon and Tommy has to go talk to the police,” Adam explained.

Neil sighed. “Tommy, you’ve got band meeting and then police to talk to.” Tommy made an unhappy sound and wiggled closer to Neil, fisting his hand in Neil’s shirt. “I know, it sucks, but you gotta,” he said, petting his back soothingly. “I’ll be with you the whole time, okay?”

Tommy lifted his head and peeked at Neil through sleepy and slightly frightened eyes. “But I’ll have to talk about being stabbed and junk.”

Adam chuckled. “Well of course he’ll have to talk about being stabbed- wait, why can I hear him so loudly?” he asked and Neil blushed, giving Tommy an uneasy look.

Tommy frowned, poking his side. “What?” he asked suspiciously.

Neil cleared his throat awkwardly. “He asked why he can hear you so loudly if I’m on the phone,” he said and Tommy blinked a few seconds before smirking, a dirty look crossing his face. “Tommy, don’t you dare-“

Tommy leaned closer to the phone, laying basically on top of Neil to reach. “Cause he creeped on me in the middle of the night and I let him say!” he giggled out. “Yep, good ol’ Neil said ‘fuck heterosexuality’ and we spent all night fucking like bunnies-“

Neil shoved a hand over his face. “You little shit, make me sound more like a pervert, I dare you!” He ignored the way Tommy tried to talk around his hand and sighed into the phone. “He had a bad dream and I laid with him, it was _not_ a sex thing!” Neil defended.

Adam burst out laughing. “Well duh, I’m not that stupid! Besides, if Tommy was finally gonna go bi for real, we all know who the hotter Lambert is! Hint: it isn’t you!” he teased.

Tommy bit Neil’s palm, making him yelp and pulled his hand back. Tommy grinned and crawled over him again, reaching for the phone. “Tommy, no!” Neil cried, pulling the phone away from his ear to hold out of Tommy’s reach. “Tommy!” he squawked when Tommy straddled him, reaching for the phone.

“Gimme, Neil!” Tommy demanded, laughing when Neil tried to buck him off. “Neil!”

“Stop, you can’t have it-“ 

“It’s my phone-“

“He’s my brother!” Neil argued petulantly, reaching with his free hand to dig his fingers into Tommy’s ribs, making him yelp and double over. Neil took the momentum and flipped them over, pinning Tommy down to tickle him, phone abandoned on the pillow where he dropped it. “Give up!” he cried, looking down at Tommy’s red face as he fought to breathe.

“N-never!” Tommy cried, yelling out when Neil tickled him again. “NEIL!” he screamed, wrapping his legs around Neil to try and hold onto him. “Neil, Neil STOP!” he cried, reaching up for the phone. “ADAM! Rape!” he cried and Neil laughed, catching his wrists to stop him.

“Stop you little shit!” Neil demanded, pinning his wrists down. Tommy gasped, however, and paled. Neil quickly sat up, snatching his hands away from Tommy’s wrists. “Shit, shit, Tommy oh God-“

Tommy shook his head. “I’m okay, it’s okay-“ Neil climbed off of him and slid off the bed, leaning over to look at Tommy’s arm. “Neil, come on-“

“Shit, I didn’t hurt you too bad, did I?” he asked, gently pulling Tommy’s arm down, looking at the bandages for any sign of blood seeping through again. “Does it hurt really bad? Like, do you think the stitches tore-“

“Neil!” Tommy said loudly, shutting him up. He looked up at him from the pillow and smiled gently. “Neil, I’m okay. You didn’t hurt me.”

Neil sighed, sitting down on the bed again. “I could have,” he said dejectedly. 

Tommy sat up and pulled his hand until Neil turned to face him. “Hey,” he said gently. “You didn’t though.” He reached up and looped his uninjured arm around Neil’s neck, pulling him into a hug. “I’m okay,” he said, bumping their temples together. “I’m little but I’m not a wimp.”

Neil snickered. “Dude, you’re totally a wimp. I tossed you around like a girl,” he said, then stopped, paling when Tommy tensed at his side. “Fuck,” he whispered. He turned to look at Tommy fearfully and Tommy was looking down with a stony expression. “Tommy-“

“No,” Tommy said firmly, sighing. He rubbed a hand over his face and into his hair. “You didn’t mean-“

“Of course not!” Neil stressed. “I just-“ He groaned. “Shit, I’m a dick, but I just meant… it’s the same thing I would say to anybody, you know that. I’ve called Adam a girl a thousand times, you know what I mean,” he defended weakly.

Tommy forced a smile and nodded. “I know you don’t think of me as a girl, Neil. It’s just hard to not react-“

“No, I was wrong, I know it,” Neil apologized. “I’m so sorry, okay?” He reached out and squeezed Tommy’s knee. “I’m just a fuck up all over today, huh?”

Tommy smiled. “You’re always a fuck up, man! It’s what you get for being the least-favorite Lambert-“ They both stopped when they heard what could only be described as faint, tinny cackling coming from the abandoned phone. 

Neil glowered. “That fucker’s been listening, hasn’t he?”

Tommy smirked. “He’s lucky he wasn’t listening in last night,” Tommy said loudly with a pointed leer. “Doubt he wants to hear his brother getting it on-“

“LIES!” Adam’s voice came faintly from the speakers.

Neil picked up the phone and held it to his ear. “You’re adopted,” he said before hanging up, tossing Tommy his phone. “Alright, we should get up and get going if we’re running late.”

Tommy snickered. “I love you guys. You’re both my favorite people,” he confided and Neil chuckled.

“Yeah, yeah, you tell that to all the boys,” he teased, ruffling Tommy’s hair when he passed him. “First shower!” he cried and Tommy flipped him off.

“I lied, I only love Adam!”

Neil grinned. “Oh God no,” he cried dramatically. “However will I live with myself?! Woe is me-“

“SHUT UP!” Tommy yelled, though Neil heard him laughing. Neil closed his eyes when he shut the door and took a breath, trying to loosen the tightness in his chest. 

It had been one hell of a morning.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Unsurprisingly, after the band meeting to make a decision on whether to continue or go home, during which Tommy argued against giving up on account of a minor injury, Tommy had to go to the police station to finish the report he’d been too shocked to give the night before. It was a formality only, since the man who hurt him was in custody, but it still had to be done.

Neil and Tommy set out alone while Adam and the others took the day to go shopping in hopes of Adam drawing attention away from Tommy. However, when Tommy and Neil got downstairs, an hour after the others left, to go to the police station, the front windows of the hotel lobby showed photographers waiting. 

Neil sighed. “Well shit.”

Tommy defiantly linked his uninjured arm with Neil’s and smiled up at him. “Walk me to my car, kind sir?” he asked with a cheeky grin.

Neil rolled his eyes but chuckled. “More like, let me bundle you past these jerks,” he said, taking his arm out of Tommy’s so he could place his hand between Tommy’s shoulders so he could guide him along. When they pushed through the doors, automatically the flashes began to go off. Tommy kept his head down and Neil held himself so that he was large and imposing as he pushed Tommy straight to the car, giving a few camera wielding photographers a dark look before sliding into the car behind Tommy.

“Well that was exciting,” Tommy said, glancing up at Neil. “We alive?” he asked and Neil rolled his eyes.

“Nope, you’re in hell- stuck with me in this car for all eternity,” he droned flatly.

Tommy smirked. “Hey, I could think of worse hells than stuck in a private backseat with a cute boy!” he said, blowing Neil a saucy kiss and wink. 

Neil snorted. “You’re insane.” He reached out and grabbed Tommy’s phone from his pocket. “Give me a second,” he said, typing something before handing it back.

Tommy looked at the ‘sent’ messages, then laughed as he read, “‘Tommy totally thinks I’m hotter than you!’” He looked up and smiled. “Awww, you’re totally cute, but you’re not hotter than Adam,” he said, shaking his head with a smile as he looked out the window. “Although you’re a better cuddler,” he said and Neil groaned, flopping down in the seat. 

“Adam caught us _cuddling_ ,” he whined, sliding down as far as his seatbelt allowed. “Ew.”

Tommy poked him. “So? He has no room to talk, he makes me the little spoon whenever we sleep together, he has no room to talk.”

Neil was shocked by an unexpected flare of jealousy, even if he knew he had no reason to be jealous (and no claim on Tommy even if he was). He covered it by making the obvious joke. “Dude, what you and Adam do in bed is so not my problem.”

Tommy poked his tongue out at him immaturely. “Fucker. We’re totally platonic!” He smiled teasingly. “Besides, you’re a better cuddler. You let me use you as a pillow and hold me, Adam squeezes me and smothers me.”

Neil mockingly threw his hands up. “Yes! I am the master of snuggling with little dudes… and I’m the mostly heterosexual Lambert!”

Tommy raised an eyebrow, smirking evilly. “The _mostly_ heterosexual Lambert?” he asked and Neil didn’t even have to make up a cover for the whole ‘in love with you’ part.

“Dude, I let one of his exes put me in a fishnet bodysuit with _garland_ tied around my hips to cover my junk,” he explained. “Sure, I was high as _fuck_ , but still. You don’t let a super flamboyant, skinny, sparkly little dude dress you up in fishnet, body paint, glitter, fake tree pieces, and a prayer and keep _all_ traces of gayness gone,” he joked.

Tommy smirked. “Let me guess-“

Neil cut him off with a laugh and a nod. “You don’t even need to guess, who you’re thinking, that’s who it is.”

“So small, cute, adorable, looks like me but he was actually born with a penis?” Tommy asked and Neil smirked and nodded. Tommy wiggled his eyebrows. “Exactly _how_ high were you?”

Neil gave him a horrified look. “Ew, pretty sure they spent the early hours of every morning fucking somewhere off in the desert, could you please not imply I was getting it on with my brother’s boyfriend?!” He shuddered dramatically. “Oh God, I need to go disinfect myself now just at the implication.”

Tommy pouted. “But he looks like me, you saying you wouldn’t bang me if you liked dudes?”

Neil’s ears burned and he cleared his throat. “Of course not. You’re a bitch,” he said and Tommy flipped him off, then smiled, fluttering his eyelashes.

“But I’m adorable!”

Neil shook his head. “You’re a something alright-“

“Hey!”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Tommy was quiet when he got back from talking to the police. Neil hadn’t been in the room with him and Tommy wouldn’t talk about it afterwards, but Neil figured Tommy might’ve been told something he shouldn’t to make him so quiet and withdrawn. Neil let Tommy have his privacy, but when he went to bed, Neil left their room and went to talk to Adam.

When he got to the door, he knocked and was surprised to hear Adam talking before he even got to the door. “Hold on,” Adam said, and Neil understood why when he opened the door and was holding his phone. “Neil? Something wrong?” he asked quickly.

Neil shook his head. “Can we talk for a second?” he asked and Adam raised an eyebrow but nodded, letting Neil come inside. 

Adam pulled the phone back to his ear and walked over to the table when Neil flopped across the bed. “No, it’s just Neil. Yeah-“ Adam put the phone on speaker and dropped it on the bed. “Alright.”

“Hey honey!” Leila said and Neil smiled, curling his arms under himself.

“Hey, Mom.” Neil looked up at Adam. “So that’s why Mom doesn’t call me anymore, she’s playing favoritism,” he joked and Adam flipped him off. “

“I am not,” Leila argued. “What’re you doing in Adam’s room anyhow? It’s gotta be late there.”

“Yeah,” Adam said, looking at him curiously. “What’s up?”

Neil cringed. “Something’s wrong with Tommy,” he said and Adam snorted.

“No shit, someone attacked him-“

“No,” Neil interrupted. “He was fine this morning, you heard him. I didn’t get to go back with him at the police station and he came out like a totally different person. I don’t know what happened and he just won’t say a word to me. He trusts you more than me, I was hoping he may have texted you or something.”

Adam shook his head. “I haven’t talked to him either but I’ll see if I can get him to say something tomorrow,” he promised.

Leila chuckled. “Baby, he does too trust you. I know it’s hard, but sometimes you have to leave him alone with his problems.”

Neil looked down at the bed, praying Leila didn’t say anything for Adam to hear that he shouldn’t. “Mom, you know I can’t,” he said quietly. “I just want to know that he’s okay, you know? And if something happened, I want to know it.”

Adam grinned. “Damn, somebody’s taking their job seriously.”

Leila laughed. “Yeah, right, his job. That’s funny,” she said and Neil froze, staring at the phone.

“Mom, don’t-“

“Neil, come on, Adam’s not stupid,” she said and Neil huffed. “I know, I know, you boys think the other is an idiot, but he’s older, he’s seen more of the world, and he’s not _blind_ , honey. I’m sure Adam figured out faster than I did-“

“MOM!” Neil cried, glaring when Adam gave him a confused look. “Mom, he doesn’t know, so just stop.”

“Know what?” Adam asked, looking annoyed. “What is such a big deal that I can’t know?” he asked and Leila and Neil were both silent.

After a moment Leila sighed loud enough for them to hear over the phone. “God, I take it back, if Adam hasn’t found it out by now, he has to be purposefully ignoring you. You are both children still, I swear-“

“What haven’t I noticed?” Adam asked indignantly. “I don’t like not knowing what’s going on, guys.”

Neil shook his head. “It’s not about this, let’s not do this now. Mom, it’s not even about that. Adam, don’t worry about it, it isn’t important.” He sat up. “Look, I just want you to try and talk to Tommy because he won’t talk to me and Tommy only shuts down when there’s something serious in his head.” Neil shrugged helplessly. “Maybe I can’t get through because I’m not you,” he said simply. “You’re basically his best friend, you can get him to talk. I’m just his bodyguard.”

“Neil, you are more than just his bodyguard,” Leila chastised. “You know that, Honey-“

“Not. That. Conversation!” Neil snapped. He rubbed a hand over his face. “Sorry, Mom. It’s late, I’m tired. I’m going to just go.” He got up and threw up a hand. “Just talk to Tommy tomorrow,” he said before walking out.

Adam stared then picked up the phone again, turning off the speaker. “What was that about?” he asked in confusion.

Leila sighed. “He’s just worried, honey. Neil’s going through a lot right now.”

Adam made a face. “A lot of _what_? He’s getting paid - quite well - to hang out with people and travel around.”

“Is that really all you think about your brother?” Leila asked, anger lacing her words. “Adam, he’s just had to deal with the guilt of thinking he _let_ Tommy get attacked because he wasn’t there! And it isn’t just anybody, it’s _Tommy_! You act like your brother is a robot-“

“It’s just misplaced guilt, Mom!” Adam argued. “He knows it isn’t his fault, and why the focus on it being Tommy? What the hell is going on between Neil and Tommy that makes Tommy being the focus any different from anybody el-“ Adam stopped suddenly. “Wait… you don’t mean-“

“FINALLY!” Leila cried and Adam gaped. “God, you are slow, Baby. Seriously, how didn’t you notice this? I’ve seen it for years now-“

“Whoa, _years_?!” Adam demanded, mind whirring as he thought of everything he could to try and make sense of what he was hearing.

“Well, not like it is now. It was a slow build, you know. They don’t see each other all that often, but Neil has always treated him differently. It only makes sense he’d get really protective after what all Tommy’s gone through lately,” she explained. “Don’t tell him you know, okay? He didn’t want anybody to find out-“

“Ew, when I called they were in bed together this morning!” Adam cried, horrified. 

Leila laughed. “Oh trust me, I doubt it was what you’re thinking. That whole conversation with him just now would’ve gone a lot differently. Tommy has bad dreams, right? He probably just asked Neil to stay with him and you know Neil won’t tell him no. I’ve never seen him tell him no, to be honest.”

Adam thought back and realized that she was right. “Wow. How did I miss this?!”

“The hell if I know, Adam, I think you need to have your eyes checked,” Leila answered, earning a disgruntled huff.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Neil was _not_ expecting it when Adam pulled him out into the hall while Tommy got ready for the day and flat out asked him, “Are you in love with Tommy?”

Neil flushed and snatched the door shut. “Are you crazy?!” he hissed. “Don’t say that shit where he might hear you-“

“This isn’t middle school-“

“YOU TOLD LISA SMITH I LIKED HER THEN TOO!” Neil whispered furiously, earning a pointed glare. 

“Whatever.” Adam shook his head. “Look, Mom didn’t tell if that’s what you think, I worked it out on my own-“

“OH yeah, cause she was super subtle last night,” Neil grumbled. “God, Adam, I don’t need people knowing this shit-“

“You are then?” Adam asked. 

Neil’s glare could have melted ice. “I’m pretty sure this is my business and not yours-“

“I’m pretty sure you’re my brother and he’s my best friend,” Adam countered. “I just- how?! You’re _you_ and- hey, wait, what happened to the whole ‘straight’ thing?” he asked suddenly.

Neil glowered. “What happened to ‘love knows no gender’?” he argued and Adam snorted. “Fuck you, this is nothing new and nothing of your concern. Nothing is going on, nothing is ever going to go on, it’s not a big deal!” He sighed and deflated. “Look, Adam, just drop it.” He looked up with a sad smile. “We both know it doesn’t change anything. He’s never going to even know how I feel if I have my way.” He shook his head. “Just let it go, Adam.”

Adam gave him a sad look. “You sure you’re okay?” he asked and Neil laughed.

“Yeah dude, this is old news. Trust me, I’m good.”

Just inside the door, Tommy, however, was not. He stared at the door, hand still outstretched where he had been about to grab the doorknob, as he listened to Adam and Neil talking. Tommy couldn’t comprehend what he was hearing. All he could think was, _Oh fuck_.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
At first, Tommy wasn’t sure what to do with the information that Neil _loved him_. It was _Neil_! Tommy had never once imagined that Neil had feelings for him. He barely believed Neil liked him at all. However, he looked at the way Neil treated him for a while, and found himself noticing things that he hadn’t ever caught before. Neil did tiny things that should’ve stood out, only Tommy never had any reason to even think about them.

Like the way Neil never refused to do something if Tommy wanted him to do it. Tommy didn’t even notice he had such a power over Neil until one night he claimed to be too tired to walk and pestered Neil, poking at him, and demanding a piggy back ride. He didn’t even think Neil would do more than shove him back and call him lazy until Neil shockingly sighed, rolled his eyes, and then crouched down and let Tommy climb on his back. It wasn’t until Neil was smiling and laughing at the way Tommy’s hair tickled his ear when Tommy laid his face on Neil’s shoulder that Tommy realized exactly what Neil was _doing_. He had let himself be talked into carrying a grown man around like a little kid just because Tommy batted his eyelashes.

Tommy became more and more aware of how much Neil did to protect him as well. He paid attention to Neil when they were harassed by photographers – even if it began to die down near the end of the press tour – and what he saw surprised him. Aside from just being big and imposing and keeping a hand on Tommy, Neil would maneuver himself in between Tommy and anyone that seemed even slightly threatening. He was genuinely putting his body between Tommy and any potential danger. Neil carried his bags when he was struggling with their weight, Neil brought him coffee when they had to get up early and he was still tired, Neil let Tommy use him as a pillow in public in spite of the indignity, and Neil even had suffered the awkwardness Tommy knew he had to feel sleeping in bed with someone he had feelings for just to keep Tommy from having nightmares.

Some smaller things made Tommy feel light and happy, though. Like how Neil would smile at him in a secret little way that Tommy now knew was a silent ‘I love you’ that Neil couldn’t voice. Or how Neil would bring Tommy’s jacket with them so that when he got cold it was always right there, even if it meant stuffing it in his bag. Neil had a way of knowing what Tommy wanted whenever he wanted it, too. He would order Tommy’s drink when they went out simply because he already knew what Tommy wanted. Tommy could only imagine how long Neil had watched silently to learn Tommy’s tells in such detail. 

The one thing that made Tommy feel a flutter in his own stomach was the pictures Neil took. Nobody seemed to have picked up on it, but most of Neil’s photos he took were of Tommy. Not just pictures like he took of everyone, but photos of things Tommy never thought about himself. Neil had photos that caught every little tiny expression Tommy had and managed to make them all beautiful. A picture of Tommy flipping Neil off on the plane after being waken up from turbulence didn’t look ugly and half-asleep, but rather it made Tommy look warm and ruffled. A picture of Tommy laughing wide and dorky didn’t look ridiculous, instead it looked happy and bright. Tommy could only imagine Neil had learned to take photos that represented _his_ perspective.

And his perspective of Tommy was one that saw Tommy as genuinely beautiful.

It wasn’t until they got home that Tommy realized how much he was going to miss having Neil with him all day long. When they got ready to part at the airport, Tommy was reluctant to let go of Neil when he hugged him. Instead of a quick hug like he’d given Adam, Tommy curled his arms around Neil’s middle and laid his head on Neil’s chest, staying there for a little bit. To his credit, Neil didn’t try to back off either, he just laid his chin on top of Tommy’s head and rubbed a hand over Tommy’s shoulders lightly. “You be careful, okay?” Neil asked, breath ruffling Tommy’s hair. “I’m gonna be worried about you since I’m so used to looking after you,” he said and Tommy tipped his head back, smiling up at him. Neil looked into his eyes and his smile softened. “I’m so used to Tommy-sitting it’ll be weird not having you under my feet all the time.”

Tommy grinned up at him. “I’ll probably call you and make you talk to me if I can’t sleep, fair warning.”

Neil nodded. “I’ll just kill you later, it’s cool.” His smile faltered for a second. “Hey, if you get into any trouble, call me, okay? I mean, if you just feel like you could use someone else with you, I’ll come whenever you call. Just don’t get in a situation where someone could hurt you.”

Tommy smiled sadly and nodded. “You don’t have to worry about me, okay?”

Neil sighed and shook his head. “I wish I didn’t.” He squeezed Tommy’s waist. “Be careful, Tommy.”

When they pulled apart, Tommy started to walk off but then stopped, turning back. “Hey Neil?” Neil looked up and Tommy gave him a secretive little smile. “I still totally hate your guts,” he tossed out and Neil laughed, a big smile spreading across his face.

“I hate you the most,” he replied, waving one last time before turning to walk away.

Tommy’s smile remained as he, too, started off his own way. He couldn’t help but wonder why his chest felt so tight as he and Neil went their separate ways.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Tommy couldn’t stop noticing how lonely he felt when he went out and nobody was there over his shoulder. He thought about calling Neil to see if he wanted to go hang out and get food simply because he didn’t want to go alone. He missed the teasing and the feeling of somebody there with him so often to the point that he would keep Mike up playing video games super late just so he didn’t feel so alone. Tommy knew it wasn’t fair to ask Neil to come places with him, though. He wasn’t his bodyguard anymore, it had only been for a few weeks, and it wasn’t right to ask Neil with the knowledge that he would say yes simply because he loved Tommy. Tommy didn’t want to abuse Neil’s feelings just so he didn’t feel so strange. 

Eventually, the loneliness passed and he got used to being home again. He hung out with Adam twice, but didn’t manage to catch him when Neil was around. He did ask Adam what Neil was up to and was suspicious about Adam’s reaction. He had seemed almost excited Tommy was asking about Neil.

In the end, it was three weeks before Tommy saw Neil again at a party Adam threw. When he spotted him talking to Ashley and Sutan, he ran over and leapt on Neil’s back. “BODYGUARD!” he cried delightfully, squeaking when Neil used his free hand to grab a thigh and hoist him higher.

“The body I guarded!” Neil replied, smiling at Tommy over his shoulder. “Dude, you eat too much,” he said and Tommy flipped him when he slid to the floor. Neil lifted his free arm and smiled down at Tommy when he hugged him. “There seems to be more body for me to guard, fatty!”

Sutan snickered. “You can always do something else to that body,” he joked and Tommy flushed when Neil choked on his drink at Sutan’s words. Ashley was too busy laughing to notice them both turning red. Sutan was too busy apologizing for nearly killing Neil to notice.

Tommy wiggled from under Neil’s arm. “Ew, don’t barf on me,” he said, grinning when Neil flipped him off while still coughing. “Dude, seriously, breathe,” he teased.

Sutan smirked. “Need mouth to mouth?” he asked with a leer, and Tommy was surprised to feel a spike of jealousy. He thoughtlessly stepped closer and rubbed Neil’s shoulders while he coughed, ignoring the eyes he could feel on the back of his head.

“I’m okay,” Neil managed out as his coughing subsided. “Just, you know, wrong pipe.”

Sutan grinned. “I love fucking with you, kid, I really do.”

Tommy laughed. “Kid? C’mon, his driver’s license may not agree, but Neil’s totally the grownup.” He smiled and curled his hands around Neil’s elbow, leaning against him. “You should’ve seen him going all badass and protecting me, dude. It was super awesome.” He smiled up at Neil. “You were totally channeling Super Man.”

“Yeah, and you were channeling Lois Lane,” Ashley joked. “He swept you up and carried you off to safety,” she said, pretending to swoon against Sutan.

Tommy and Neil both cracked up. “Fuck off, Neil was totally a great bodyguard!” He laid his cheek against Neil’s forearm. “I would’ve gone crazy without Neil.” He looked up at him. “You’re the only one that hates me enough to call me on my shit.”

Neil smiled warmly and nodded, sliding his arm free to curl around Tommy’s shoulders. “Oh yeah, totally hate you to death! I was in it for the money,” he added in a faux-whisper.

Tommy bit his lip. “Just the cash huh?” he asked and Neil nodded, his eyes never leaving Tommy’s.

“Totally, why else would I bodyguard for your crazy ass? Nobody else would’ve been desperate enough,” he said, and Tommy smiled back, but couldn’t ignore the way his heart leapt into his throat as he realized, seriously belatedly, that Neil had agreed to be his bodyguard because he couldn’t trust anyone else to keep Tommy safe. Tommy swallowed around the lump in his throat and tried to at least look like he was zoned into the conversation when really, on the inside, he was panicking because he finally understood what ‘Neil loves you’ meant. In spite of who he was. In spite of being transgender. In spite of Neil’s own sexuality.

Neil _loved_ him… and after the way Tommy had missed Neil’s arms around him like the one around his shoulders, Tommy wasn’t sure that was such a one-sided thing anymore.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Neil temporarily resumed his bodyguard duties for one night when Adam got asked to perform at an awards show. It wasn’t like there had been much trouble since Tommy stopped being news, but there were always plenty of dramatic stories stirred up when backstage interviews were happening and Tommy felt more comfortable with having Neil with him just in case.

While they rehearsed, Neil stood down in front of the stage, watching with a smile as he was reminded once again how surreal it was that his _brother_ was a pop star. He was friends with basically famous people because his brother was a _celebrity_. Neil took his phone out and started taking pictures – mostly of Tommy and a few of Adam – to show his mom later. She always did get a kick out of seeing Adam on stage, even when he was a little boy doing his Hebrew School play. 

When they finished running through the song, Adam came down to sit on the edge of the stage, taking the water Neil wordlessly handed him. “Thanks,” he said, looking at Neil’s phone. “What’re you doing?” he asked.

Neil couldn’t completely suppress a smile when he captured perfect shot of Tommy laughing at something Ashley said while pushing his hair back. “Just taking pictures,” he dismissed, looking at the photo.

Adam smiled sadly. “Tommy, huh?” he asked and Neil nodded, shrugging off Adam’s sympathy. 

Neil started to reply when a voice any of them would recognize anywhere called Adam’s name. “Oh my God! You look great up there!” They looked up to see Perez Hilton coming over with a camera man following him. “I’m doing backstage interviews and I just HAVE to get a moment!” Neil and Adam exchanged a look and Adam heaved a sigh and slid off the stage, walking a few steps to meet the man approaching.

“Perez! Great to see you,” Adam said with such perfectly faked enthusiasm Neil had to fight a laugh. Those acting skills paid off, it seemed. Neil looked up and saw Tommy looking over. When Tommy met his eyes Neil mimed barfing and Tommy burst into giggles.

Unfortunately, Tommy’s giggles caught the attention of the pair to Neil’s left. “You know, I always knew something was off about that guitarist of yours!” Neil automatically stiffened slightly. “So tell me, Adam, what’s it like having a tranny in your band?” On stage everyone froze, having all heard what was said. Adam was shocked still. 

Neil, however, didn’t even think before he whirled around, took three large steps, and punched the asshole right in his smug little face. “AH!” he screamed as he fell back and nearly knocked his camera man over. “What the fuck?!”

Adam grabbed Neil around the waist. “Neil! You can’t fucking do that-“

“I think I just did,” Neil snapped, glaring over Adam’s shoulder. “Don’t you ever call him that-“

“Neil!” Neil turned around at the sound of Tommy’s voice, an apology already forming in his head, only to be throw off track by Tommy running to the side of the stage and jumping at him.

“Ah TOMMY- MMMPH!” Neil’s cry of surprise as he found himself with an armful of guitarist as Tommy leapt on him, legs around his middle and arms around his neck, was silenced by Tommy’s lips on his. Neil barely managed to keep them standing as he clung to Tommy, forgetting everything but the unexpected, almost sloppy kiss Tommy gave him.

“So hey, I have a show to play but after, how about we skip the after party and go to dinner?” Tommy asked seemingly out of nowhere.

Neil was still confused, brain delayed by a chorus of ‘Tommy kissed me!’ repeating in his head. “Huh?”

Tommy rolled his eyes. “You, me, date after the show,” he asked, pressing his lips to Neil’s again.

It was Adam’s voice that got them to part. “What. The. Fuck?!” Tommy leaned back, positively beaming at Neil, who was flushed and clearly confused. Adam waved a hand between them and they looked over. “Explain!” he demanded, voice high and shocked.

Tommy smirked. “Simple, I hate him-“ He gestured to the still furious Perez. He looked back at Neil, smiling warmly. “And you cleaned his clock because he called me a horrible name.” He sighed and kissed Neil again, this time slower and less surprising. 

Neil’s face fell. “Seriously?” he asked. “Tommy, you can’t just- just-“ He let out a frustrated grumble and dropped Tommy to his feet, turning to leave, only to be stopped by Tommy grabbing his hand and pulling him back.

“AND!” he said quickly, reaching up to cup Neil’s face in his hand. “Because I really want to go out with you after the show.” He stepped closer and looked up at Neil as he slid his arms around Neil’s middle. “Neil-“

“Tommy, you can’t just say shit like that-“

Tommy cut Neil off by standing on his toes and kissing him again. “I hate you, dude,” he said in a soft, hopefully playful tone. He bumped their noses. “I hate you more than I knew I could- literally.”

Neil stiffened, and then realization began to show in his eyes. “I- you do?”

Tommy nodded, beaming. “I really hate you. Probably more than I’ve ever hated anyone before.”

A smile spread across Neil’s face and he kissed Tommy so hard that he whined into the kiss before returning it with just as much gusto. “Tommy,” he whispered against his lips when the kiss broke.

“Yeah, great, but what about the lawsuit I’m probably facing now!?” Adam demanded and they looked up to see Perez had stormed off.

Neil smirked down at Tommy and sighed, kissing him sweetly. “Fuck ‘em! I hate Tommy way more than anyone else and I don’t really give a shit.

Tommy giggled and pressed close. “Damn straight.”


End file.
